*POP* Burst Bubble.

Today I got a *lovely* letter from the Fingerlakes School of Health Nursing (apparently my mom doesn’t get the mail on Saturdays) informing me that I did not in fact get accepted. And I was so, so sure that I was going to get in there. Especially because during my interview the woman said, “Oh I’m sure you will get right in, you have an excellent transcript and we haven’t had very many applicants this year.” Thanks for the false hopes lady. Chances are slim to none that I will get in at FLCC since there are so many other people trying to get in – people who have all their prereqs done and I don’t even have A&P 1 since idiot advisor man told me I should take Fundamentals this semester instead.

I’m completely lost now. My plan is now completely destroyed. I now have to wait until next fall AT LEAST to be in nursing school. I’m so tired of waiting :[. I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and be a midwife and start delivering babies.

I hate this fucking town. I hate living with my mom. I hate feeling like im stuck. I don’t belong here. I want to move on with my life but I feel like I am being held back. Why? I know that everything happens for a reason, but I want to know the reason. I felt so right about this and I was so sure it was going to happen and things were going to fall into place. Apparently, that isn’t the case anymore.

All of the positive energy and certainty I have been feeling lately has been taken from me in a matter of seconds.

Now I don’t know what to do.

It’s times like these when I wish I had my soulmate to hold me and comfort me and tell me everything will be OK. But wait, that part of my life hasn’t happened yet. It was scheduled to occur shortly after I got accepted into nursing school. Crap.

Stagnant: check.

Alone: check.

Miserable: check.

:[

Limbo…

I feel like I’m in limbo.

I have no idea what I am doing next semester. I don’t know if I am going to get accepted into both programs I applied to, one, or neither. I don’t know where I will be in the fall and there’s a possibility that I might not know until September. That is very scary for me. I could either be on my way to being an R.N. or still waiting and wasting time. And I am impatient! Waiting for life to happen… I think it’s worth the wait.

As much as I would go for either program, I would rather get into FLCC because the hours are WAY more flexible. I can work my schedule around when I want to work and decide what days I want to go. The FLSHN program is only nights and weekends, which will suck. The first semester is 17 credit hours alone and on top of that I still have to take my prereqs which will add at least another 4 credit hours to my load. This doesn’t even include time for homework and studying! If I go to FLSHN I have to take my prereqs through Keuka (or FLCC I think) which would mean that I have to go somewhere else for labs if not class too. On the other hand, from what I hear FLSHN is more intensive, challenging and hard which means I will have way more of a challenge there. FLCC is definitely not challenging at all and I feel like their expectations are very low.  I was also told that FLCC is more acredited, or well known. So I’m not sure what that means… I feel like it was implied that if I go to FLSHN my degree will not mean as much.

Either way, I will probably keep going on for my BSN. There is an intensive 14 (I think) month program at Keuka for RN’s to get their BSN and there is also an online program. So I will probably go on to do that while I work.

I’m hoping to get a job straight out of school, and ideally start the travelling nurse thing right away. I have to look into that more because I’m not sure how much experience I need to qualify for that, but either way if I get my BSN in the process of gaining experience I will get paid more to travel and those gigs pay some serious money! I’m hoping in the process of travelling I will find where I want to settle down, or at least get rid of this wanderlust mindset that I have. As for now, I really can’t wait to get out of here. I’m so tired of the Fingerlakes as much as I love it.

Then, when all of that is said and done I want to get started on being a Midwife. But that could change. Who knows, maybe I will find something else I like even more? Or maybe I will get a job at a birth center right away where I can work towards being a CPM or CNM. One thing is for sure though, if I do the Midwife thing I will most likely have to relocate somewhere else. If I stay in NY maybe Ithaca? Who knows. I’ve talked with friends about different possibilities. One friend wants to buy a VW Pop-up Camper and travel the U.S. being nurses, another wants to open up a birth center or a “birth house”. How amazing is it that the possibilities are endless?!

It’s scary for me to not know exactly what I am doing, but exciting at the same time. Life is such an adventure! I can’t even begin to imagine the kind of person I will be a nd where I will be at in 5 years. I can’t even imagine what I will be like in one. I have changed so much in the past couple of years, when I read my old blogs and remember how things used to be I hardly remember myself. What a great thing! I used to get upset when I would think about the past and the times I used to have, and wish I could go back to that. Now… no way! Waiting for life to happen and living in the moment is so much more fulfilling!

Driving me nuts…

You know, I really never thought that delivering pizza would be a job that would make me happy. But it does! It is such an easy, straightforward, virtually stress-free job. (Compared to working at Hillside most of all)

But I do have to bitch just a little bit about my coworkers who are making me crazy.

For some reason, and maybe it’s just this way in the food business, I am surrounded by sexist assholes. Last I knew, women weren’t incapable of very much, if anything. I mean, we are pretty much the stronger sex. And who can grow a baby and push it out a tiny hole? Yeah, that’s what I thought!

Anyway, it makes no sense these days for men to act like women are incapable and weak. But these guys do. They insist on explaining everything to me as if I was a child or a mentally challenged person. They insist on explaining things several times over to make sure I “get it”. They even explain things to me that anyone with an ounce of common sense wouldn’t need explained. They constantly tell me that I should “do it this way” when I have been doing things my way all along and it’s just fine thank you. I also get stuck with a lot of the “girl work” that they don’t want to do like dishes, cleaning etc. I will be the first one to walk up to a sink full of dishes and go to town but it seems like they all wait for me to do it. They all act shocked and awed when I do something well without making a mistake and they talk down to me. They talk crap about me behind my back or under their breath that I can’t fully hear but I know it’s about me.

Lately, this one kid has been literally down my throat about all of it. Today he even went so far as to (it seemed) go out of his way to FIND something to criticize me about just so it seemed like he is better than me. I put a spatula in the sink that had some blue cheese on it. *gasp* oh no, not that. P.S., it was in a sink full of dirty, greasy fryer baskets so its not like it was CLEAN water. He yelled across the kitchen as I was leaving (so everyone could here) HEY did YOU do this? Can you make sure you rinse it off before you put it in the sink next time?

Really dude? Seriously? You are so insecure about the fact that a FEMALE can do a better job than you that you have to FIND things like that to make yourself look better? How about stepping up your game a little buddy?

And I’m sure he talked all kinds of shit about me for the rest of the night.

What can I say, I’m good at my job. So shoot me. Maybe instead of being immature and jealous you should do a better job. Maybe then the owner and the managers would sing praises your way every night after your shift is over and give you all the good deliveries? Maybe instead of delivering pizza for the rest of your mundane, meaningless, trashy existence you could one day OWN a pizza shop. I bet if I wanted to, I could move up the ladder there in a year or so. I would stomp all over your manly little ego.

Besides, who are YOU to act like you are better than me? What are you doing with your life? You work in a pizza shop dude. That is your existence. That is all you will ever amount to.  You are a lifer. I CHOOSE to be here to get me through college while I pursue a career in nursing and already have a B.A. in Psychology which you probably couldn’t even spell correctly, so fuck off and kiss my ass.

I guess I just don’t understand jealousy sometimes. What purpose does it serve to be jealous and hateful when someone has something you don’t have? Why not just evaluate yourself instead and figure out what it is that needs to happen to get YOU to that level, then go for it?  Be an achiever and make something out of yourself instead of being bitter towards those who have what you don’t have.  Whining gets you nowhere, except a free admission to the pity party. Ambition gets you everywhere.

I feel like very few of the people around here have any ambition at all. They are all just comfortable with what they know and what they are. They’d rather complain about what is lacking rather than take the steps needed to fix the problem and they become jealous and hateful to the people who actually strive to be something in life. It’s a lot easier to be like that, but it’s a lot less rewarding. Fear of failure isn’t something that is easy to overcome but it’s a normal human experience. A lot of people don’t know that and it frustrates the hell out of me. Stop complaining about what you don’t have and go get it! Life is a stick, not a boomerang… you have to get out there and fetch it, you can’t wait for it to come to you!