Just out of reach.

Lately, I feel like the universe has been teasing me. Everything I want is just out of reach. Everything I want is being dangled in front of me like a carrot… just far enough so I can’t bite, but I can smell it. RIGHT. THERE. So I run, run, run just like a stupid donkey trying to get the carrot and just as I am starting to think I am close, that I’ve almost got everything, that it’s all going to work out… BAM! I fall on my ass and there goes the carrot. The universe points at me and laughs. I sit on the ground bruised, broken and frustrated and thinking, “Why bother, my effort doesn’t matter anyway. Nothing fucking matters.”

This is the case for ALL areas of my life.

First example: the case of Z. I worked with Z for awhile and (I thought) we had hit it off pretty well. I was really into him, not just in a “dating” way, but also I really just wanted to be his friend. We clicked. I wasn’t afraid to be myself in front of him. We had a lot of common interests, we played WoW together and I really liked spending time with him. So one day, he decided to leave work. This made me really sad because I wouldn’t get to see him as much, but I was also excited because I figured hey, if something is going to happen between us it wont be stopped by the whole coworker weirdness thing. I guess I was just thinking it was something when it wasn’t. So I invited him to a show in Rochester, we went, we had a really great time, I tried to be a little flirtatious without being weird just to see what would happen. I really thought he was into me too. At the end of the night he said that he had a great time and then… not even a hug goodbye. Then he stopped playing WoW with me or talking to me at all. Things went from YEAHHH this is working out to oh…hey…you went away just like everyone else. I will admit that I had some high hopes for the relationship but honestly I would have been satisfied just being friends and having someone to do stuff with that isn’t in a relationship, married, with kids, etc. And again, someone had come into my life and I let my guard down and then without warning just left. That really hurt. I really felt like shit and I felt like it was something that I had done. I started making all of these excuses for him about how I had come on too strong, that I was creepy, that we weren’t even friends to begin with and I had made the entire thing more than it was. All of that made me feel like even more shit. There’s now a new kid at work J that I would love to start a friendship with but I’m scared. He reminds me of Z and all of these feelings are coming FLOODING back making me feel like shit again. Really, when I am able to look past my own insecurities I think that Z is probably just a big dick that I should punch in the face.

Another example: nursing school/moving to Rochester. I finally figured out what I want to do with my life. I decided I want to get out of this lame fucking town and go somewhere that I might actually meet decent people (new people).  After a couple of years of taking classes and trying to get in (very frustrating) I got into FLHCON here in Geneva, but it’s not where I want to go. U of R sounds way better. And, oh great FLHCON starts in September, orientation is in August and I wont even find out about U of R until September. So I will probably have already started FLHCON then and paid for it but I know if I turn down that opportunity U of R will magically fall through leaving me not in nursing school at all. I don’t want that. So I figure alright, I will still move and just commute back to Geneva a couple times a week for school. I have been applying to jobs and had a really successful interview… but thinking about it I doubt I will make enough money if I get that job and if I take too much of a pay cut no way can I afford to live on my own in Rochester so I might as well just stay in Geneva. Oh wait… if I am living and going to school in Geneva, why am I looking for jobs in Rochester… and thus, my plans of moving have been pretty much annihilated. I am lucky that things are starting to finally go forward as far as nursing school but it makes it longer for me to have to be in this hellhole. I really just want to move far, far away and start over. But I can’t until I square away all the bullshit that’s stopping me. It would be so much easier just to stay here and at least be with the friends I do have… but that all leads me back to not meeting anyone new.

I’m ridiculously lonely. All of my friends, all of my former classmates it seems are getting married or in relationships. I have very few single friends without kids. Out of those friends, all of them are too busy with work and life to really do anything and the only thing we all really have in common anyway is drinking. I’m getting tired of the bar scene. I want to actually DO stuff with my friends. When I finally find friendship with someone, they always find a way to leave. K left and went to S.C. and now she is practically married for example. Most of my friends still have that small town mentality because they haven’t ever left the area and that annoys me. I am an evolving, growing, ambitious woman and I need people in my life who encourage this and compliment it. Small down bar drama does not compliment this. Every once in awhile my friends will “come back” when they are miserable, or single. Then the minute their life improves they are back to ignoring me. It’s like I exist in a limbo for miserable people. I feel extremely self-conscious about my personality and my weight. People tell me I am an amazing person, that I am beautiful, etc. I think I’m awesome, and I think I’m beautiful (I would be more beautiful if I lost 100lb) but then I think, “But why don’t I have a ton of friends and people wanting to be around me all the time?”. I go out to a bar with the girls and everyone ignores me. I went out with my roommate and her sister (both gorgeous girls) and the guys were flocking. I wasn’t even looking to pick anyone up but when I started casual conversation with some people they completely blew me off like I wasn’t there.  I don’t get it. The people who love me totally love me. But that’s it. The way they talk, you would think I would have a line of suitors following me at all times. But I don’t. It makes me feel like I’m fat and ugly. It makes me feel like I am a weirdo and that’s why no one wants to be my friend. Worst of all it makes me feel like I am a huge joke and my “friends” all just feel sorry for me and they humor me and try to make me feel better. I have some great friends that I am so thankful for, especially L. I would probably be lost without her. But all of my friends all have other people in their lives that are way more important than me. And that is fine. I understand husbands, family, sisters, kids… all way more important in the grand scheme of things. I just get sad when everyone kind of “pairs off” at the end of the day and I am alone. I feel like I have always been alone and I always will be. All I really want is to find the right guy to fill up my heart a little, a soul mate if you will. I know that sounds hopelessly romantic and sappy but it’s true. I just want someone there at the end of the day that puts me at the top of his list (although maybe below family in certain situations). I don’t want to share that person with anyone. I am sick of sharing… right now I have to share my “person” with a minimum of a husband and 3 kids. She always makes time for me which is much appreciated but at the end of the day she is in her bed cuddling with her kids and husband and here I am alone. With my cat. So pathetic. I haven’t been in a relationship in 2 years, I don’t even remember the last date I went on and lets not even talk about how long it’s been since I’ve gotten laid. The only hug I have had recently was from my mom. This is not what the social life of a 27 year old female should be. At. All.

I have even tried looking online for dating options… all with poor, poor luck. The bulk of guys I have met were nice, don’t get me wrong… but all of them were a complete turn-off simply because they were so desperate to be in a relationship with SOMEONE that they were willing to settle for anyone. It wasn’t about ME. It wasn’t about how much they liked me, how great they thought I was, how much we clicked. I was just there, available to plug the hole for a little while. As desperately lonely as I am, I am just not willing to settle for a relationship that is based solely on loneliness and not on the idea of two people being right for each other and enjoying each others company. I guess I am really picky when it comes to men. Maybe I shouldn’t be considering I don’t get a lot of opportunities. I probably have a ridiculously skewed idea of what a relationship should be and what kind of man I want.  In light of that, I just gave up specifically “looking” for a relationship because that never works out. I’ve been trying to focus on me and what makes me happy. This doesn’t fix the whole loneliness thing. There is only so much I can do on my own. I love spending time by myself, but this is getting ridiculous. I was hoping that keeping an open mind about friendship would help but even that doesn’t seem to be working.

I feel like no matter what I do I am still left at square one. That nothing I accomplish changes how I feel, nothing matters. I will always be missing something… but that something is just out of reach.