I recently came to the realization that I struggle to feel my emotions, to identify them, to accept them and to deal with them at all.
First of all, I am so empathic towards others that I tend to actually take on their emotions – positive or negative. I confuse them with my own. I don’t even realize that I do this. Lately I have had to work really hard and make a conscious effort to avoid this behavior. I don’t know if I always do this to avoid my own feelings, but I think sometimes I do.
I am also guilty of not allowing myself emotion. Somehow my parents programmed me to believe that it is not OK to feel negative emotions or express them. Somehow I learned to feel ashamed of them and bottle them all up inside. I feel like it isn’t normal to be mad or sad, that it isn’t OK. I feel like I have to be happy all the time. So when I don’t feel happy (which starts to be less and less the more I bottle up emotions) I feel ashamed which makes me feel even worse and I have even more feelings to bottle up and not deal with.
I realized in therapy today that out of all of my emotions, I have been doing the best with anger. Surprising that this one was the first to be resolved! But what I realized was I am now able (as compared to 5 years ago) to take my anger and use it in a constructive way. Because I have done this constructively and in an adult manner (instead of screaming, crying or throwing things) I feel good about myself and I feel better about being angry. It isn’t a scary thing that I have to avoid. I can accept that I have the emotion and not be ashamed. Now that I realize this, I can do the same for my other feelings.
As I start doing this, I will be able to identify how I am feeling and separate those feelings from the feelings of others. I will be more accepting of those feelings and of myself. I won’t feel so overwhelmed when I try to think in terms of my emotions (which is what happens now). I will be able to start DEALING with them instead of AVOIDING them because I won’t be afraid of shaming myself.
When I start dealing with these emotions in an adult manner with my adult self, much like I have been dealing with anger I can better take the burden off of my inner child. I can meet her needs better, take care of her, nurture her. This will stop me from feeling out of control, having this whirlwind of emotions all the time that I am constantly trying to hide from. I will be able to protect my inner child by facing my emotions rationally.
I am an emotional person. When I am happy, I am usually REALLY REALLY happy. When I am sad, it usually takes some time for me to snap out of it. This is who I am. This is normal and OK. I need to accept it and allow myself to feel these things without shame.
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