Myspace blog from April 5, 2008

How to act on a first date

Knowing what to do when taking a woman out on a date can be difficult for a man. So here I have provided a few helpful tips:

1. Don’t take her to a bar.

2. If you must take her to a bar, don’t take her to a bar and ask your friends to come along. If your friends MUST come along, make sure they know you are on a date so they will not try to take your date home.

3. Avoid looking at pictures of the Playboy centerfold while your date is sitting next to you. In fact, you might want to avoid looking at these all together on the date.

4. Avoid leaving your date to participate in activities that don’t involve her, such as darts. Instead, you might want to invite her to play darts with you.

5. Avoid leaving your date to participate in activities that don’t involve her, such as darts. Especially when you aren’t even introducing her to the people you are playing darts with.

6. Avoid leaving your date to participate in activities that don’t involve her, such as darts. Especially when this leaves your date open to being hit on by your friend. (See also item 2)

7. While in conversation with your date, do not stop this conversation in order to start another conversation with your friend. (See also item 2)

8. Avoid leaving your date long enough for her to finish her drink. If you are going to take her to a bar on a date and leave her with your friends, you should at least make sure to return frequently enough to buy her more drinks. If you don’t, your friends might buy her drinks and try to take her home with them. (See also item 2)

9. When your friend offers to give your date “a ride home” make sure you say, “No, I’ve got it.” (This situation can be prevented, see item 2) Also make sure to rip this guy a new asshole at a later time.

10. When your friend insists on your date going to Petro with him after the bar, make sure you tell him of your after hours plans of going back to her house to play darts. (See also item 2)

11. When your date invites you back to her house, realize that this is a golden opportunity for you. Don’t mess this up. Make sure you take this opportunity to spend more time talking with her and attempting to impress her.

12. Don’t spend more time talking to your date’s roommates while you are at her house. Especially don’t spend more time talking to the hot 20 year old who happens to be at her house.

13. Mooning your date is not proper 1st date etiquette. As a matter of fact, this type of behavior should be completely avoided until you are officially a couple.

14. After pretty much blowing the entire date, don’t smack your date on the ass and expect her to be pleased. She will NOT be pleased.

15. When you finally leave for the evening, you might want to attempt to make a new date with her. You might want to give her a hug lasting more than 2 seonds. You also might want to attempt kissing your date. Even though you blew the rest of the date, a good kiss might make up for it in the end.

16. After blowing your first date, it is absolutely necessary that you text her or call her immediately telling her how great of a time you had and how you can’t wait to hang out again. Do not wait for her to text or call you.

17. In the case that you wait for her to call or text you the next day, when she asks you “what’s up” this means that you have miraculously been given yet another chance to redeem yourself. Do not simply tell her that you are on the way home, completely losing the opportunity to hang out with her.

18. If all else fails and you have blown it several times, buy her flowers and tell her she is beautiful. This will make her forget for some time how you have completely fucked up, you stupid fool.

Myspace blog from Arch 24, 2008

McDonalds = Getting Hit On?

So, I don’t know if anyone else has noticed this but me…

Lately, everytime I go to the McDonald’s in Geneva late at night I get hit on and eye fucked by the guys working there!

The first time I thought, ok maybe it was just me thinking that I was being hit on. The guy at the first window was extra googly and so was the guy that gave me my food.

Last night, the same thing happened. The guy took my money and then he took like 10 minutes to put my change into my hand.

I don’t get it… I was wearing sweats, no make up and a hat and my voice sounded like that of a 60 year old woman dying of emphysema. What gives? Do the late night workers at McDonalds have nothing better to do than hit on people or are they running a brothel in there?

Maybe next time I should ask them if they want to see my McTitties?

Myspace blog from March 13, 2008

Thought for the Day

When it all comes down to it at the end of the day, there’s just nothing better than being a really big BITCH to someone who really deserves it.

Thats all.

MYspace blog from December 5, 2007

A nice warm man bashing blog.

Due to a recent argument with my ex, (one that took 2 weeks to resolve) I have decided to vent a little about the overall stupidity of the male gender.

*Note: I realize this does not apply to ALL men. Just most.*

I really don’t think that I am your average girlfriend. I wont pick fights or get mad about stupid shit. I like spending time to myself. I encourage nights with the guys. Go to a strip club for all I care, just don’t catch a disease. I am very enthusiastic about blowjobs during my period and I like to have sex as much as possible.

That said, you would think guys would really take advantage of that right? I’m a fucking catch, yet all of them seem to want the girl that is going to treat them terribly, manipulate them into a puppet and eventually break their heart further proving the stereotype that all women are evil bitches that are out to take your money and break your heart then sleep with your friends. (How’s that for a run-on sentence?)

Instead, when I actually do manage to find myself in a relationship the guy somehow turns out to be a complete moron who is totally unaware of the fact that he needs to feel incredibly lucky to have me around. Until after we break up, and then it hits him. Good job buddy!

Here are some of my *favorite* things that guys have said or did to me in the past that really piss me off.

1. One dude: so yeah, I cheated on you two days into our relationship. Twice. But it really didn’t mean anything to me. I’m just not used to being in a relationship. What? You are breaking up with me and you don’t want anything to do with me? That just isn’t fair. I can’t believe you would do that to me. Now I am going to act like I am the victim in this situation and go COMPLETELY psycho stalker on you.

2. I had been off and on with this guy for a while, and during the off’s we still hooked up. We finally got back together again and we had just finished having sex. He literally pulled out of me and said, “I can’t do this anymore. I just don’t want to be with you.” Biggest asshole EVER.

3. I hooked up with this guy over Christmas break in college. We went to high school together and it was basically a mutual understanding that no one would know about it. No big deal A couple of weeks later the idiot IMs me and starts calling me a bitch because everyone knows. I couldn’t figure it out because the only person I told was someone who definitely wouldn’t say shit. I then realized that he had gotten WASTED with his friends and told all of them. There’s a winner.

4. How about this one: I am going to date you for an extended period of time, then I am going to claim that I don’t love you even though you are in love with me. Then when you break up with me because of that, I am going to tell you that I DO love you. Too little, too late.

5. Bob: We broke up, then we started talking about trying to work things out (for the third time). I decided to pick a fight with you about how I heard that you wanted to fuck my friend Mike on Halloween to make me mad. I realize that you were wasted when you said it, and you probably didn’t mean it. We weren’t together at the time, but I am going to choose to be extremely mad at you about it and tell you how fucked up that is and how I no longer trust you. It doesn’t matter that I get wasted and walk into someone else’s fucking house. When you drunkenly say something stupid, I definitely have the right to judge you.

6. Bob: After above argument, I am going to ask you to be friends with benefits because I want to “try and see where it goes” even though I don’t trust you and am afraid of committment. I am also going to try and play it off like I don’t just want a piece of ass. What do you mean I want the fringe benefits of a relationship without the commitment?

7. Bob: “I love you and I miss you regardless, but I am tired of dragging this thing out and I am just going to find someone else to be with.” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! Are you really going to tell me you love me and that you are going to find someone else to be with in the SAME sentance?

8. Nate: I am SO upset that you dumped me. I can’t believe this always happens to me. *insert large amount of whining and crying* Two weeks later, I will have a new girlfriend because obviously you meant nothing to me for the entire time we were together. P.S. I am 22 years old and I still play with action figures.

9. My name is Bob. You should hop in the Delorian, go back in time and prevent yourself from dating me because eventually I will break up with you over a text message and proceed to fuck with your brain for many months after.

10. I have a wife who is pregnant, but thats ok because I have decided that it is more important for me to have fun. That said, I am going to get wasted and wrestle with you and your friend, then end up screwing around with you. You knew it the whole time, so it is YOUR fault that I am a cheater.

11. I just finished having sex with you, and you told me I can call you any time. So I say, “even if I have a girlfriend?” then proceed to talk to you for half an hour about how much my girlfriend sucks and what kind of relationship problems I have with her.

More to come as I think of them. I am talking about writing a book with my friend Steve called “How NOT to be an Asshole”. It would totally sell.

Myspace blog from March 5, 2007

the wig. seriously. this blog is about a wig.
so… there’s this crazy girl in my training class. actually, she is going to be working in the same unit as i am – if she makes it through training. anyway, i digress… onto the wig…

so this girl comes in today and she is obviously wearing a wig. ok, whatever, no biggie – black women are known to wear wigs sometimes. as much as was extremely tacky because it didn’t match her hair length color, texture, OR style from the previous week, i thought, “whatever floats your boat dude.”

(friday’s hair: dark brown, long, tight curls, could have passed for regular hair
monday’s hair: a weird golden brown color, short, straight and flipped out)

as she got closer to me, i realized how terrible the wig actually was – even worse than i thought. it was all warped and distorted and it was messed up in the back so badly that you could see the netting behind it. it looked like it smelled also.

i told mario it looked like someone mopped the floor with it and then threw it out – and then that girl picked it out of the garbage. either that, or she found it on the side of the road… (which would explain the smell)

ok so… i understand that maybe not everyone can afford a nice wig. i wouldn’t really have any experience with that sort of thing though, since i have never actually BOUGHT a wig aside from the kind you wear on halloween.

so… if you cant afford a nice wig, DON’T WEAR A WIG. especially if you don’t want the mean people in your training class to laugh at you all day, because that’s definitely what we did.

also… i can totally see one of the kids pulling it off her. i honestly don’t think i would be able to control my bladder if that happened.

i am going to hell.

Myspace blog from October 3, 2006

I work with a 55 year old woman named Nancy. She looks like shes 65. She’s really crazy. She is usually all doped up on muscle relaxers. She doesn’t seem very bright. She never struck me as the “politically aware” type until today. It was slow and we were watching CNN. George Bush was on saying something dumb as usual.

Out of the blue Nancy says, “He looks like a penis with ears.”

Phenomenal. Absolutely fucking phenomenal.

Myspace blog from September 9, 2006

I really don’t understand my extreme fear of cockroaches. This is a very inconvenient thing considering the fact that I live in the cockroach fucking capitol of the world. And when I say extreme I mean EXTREME.

Example: last night in the midst of enjoying a cigarette I was minding my own business and relaxing on my porch. All of a sudden I see a cockroach scurry off the porch and cling to the side. No big deal. It made me a little nervous though since it was staying there so I kept an eye on it. About 63 seconds later it came back up onto the deck. It took me about 2 seconds to establish that fact and also the fact that it was absolutely HUMONGOUS!! It was approximately 2.5 inches long and probably an inch wide. I’m not even kidding. The moment I realized that it was huge and coming at me, I leapt out of my chair, flung my cigarette into the wild abyss beyond my porch while simultaneously letting out a very loud, blood curdling scream that everyone in a half mile radius could definitely hear. I spilled my water everywhere and slammed the porch door so hard that it bounced off the wall and RE slammed itself. I then proceeded to quickly explain what happened to Anna and JP who were both looking at me in amazement trying not to laugh. I them proceeded to run to my bedroom, jump in my bed and hide under the covers hyperventilating for about ten minutes.

Seriously. Ridiculous.