An extremely long thought bubble on relationships…
I have decided that I am officially done looking for a relationship. Why? Because it just doesn’t work that way. I really don’t think that good relationships happen when you look for them. It results in high expectations and feeling like you have to rush things. What are the foundations of a good relationship? Friendship, communication and teamwork are. Hands down. When you first meet someone, it takes awhile before you feel comfortable with a person and know how to effectively communicate with them. Obviously, it can take years to get to know a person inside and out depending on the situation. In terms of an argument, how well you know the person and your ability to communicate can make or break it. Feelings are so easy to hurt and words are so easy to misunderstand, making it really easy to get into a fight with someone – but if you are programmed to know how to help them understand you better without hurting their feelings, this kind of thing can be avoided.
I have seen so many people fail miserably at their relationships (myself included) just because there was a lack of communication. I have also experienced failure simply because there was no friendship, no foundation upon which to build a relationship. If you can’t be friends with someone, how the hell do you expect to be in a committed relationship with them? How do you know this is someone you want to be with when you don’t even know basic things about them? People (myself included) have ended relationships when they have discovered something about their partner’s personality, lifestyle, etc. that was a deal breaker for them. Then, they act surprised at this. “Oh my God, I can’t believe Phil likes to look at animal porn. I can’t believe I would ever date such a monster!” Come on… if you were actually friends first, you would have seen that at some point (A very dramatic example, but you know what I am saying). I have a lot of guy friends. I will admit that about 99.9% of the time, I had a crush on these guys at first. I am glad about this for two reasons. First of all, guy friends are valuable for many purposes – they can give you much insight into the male species of course, offer advice, and help you realize things about yourself that you never realized were attractive or unattractive to men. I think if you can be the kind of girl who is friends with a lot of guys you are more likely to be a great girlfriend – if you pay attention to what you hear. Second of all, in getting to know my guy friends that I used to have a crush on I was able to see things that I hadn’t before. I’m glad I’m not dating some of them! I can see how much of a train wreck it would be and I just don’t want to go there. I think this can be said for the reverse situation (guys with many girl friends) too.
Friendships are difficult enough without sex and love. Right now, I am finding myself in a very difficult place with a lot of my close friends. A lot of it is just growing up and getting older and having different goals and paths. Some of it though is just in getting to know myself better and getting to know them better. Some people just don’t see eye to eye, some people just don’t get along and some people no matter how hard you try cannot be on the same team. You know how some people are born to lead and some are born to follow. You can’t have two followers on a two person team! So in that “getting to know a person” adventure, your relationship changes. People mature at different paces. I can constructively criticize one friend, for example, and she will be OK with it and appreciate my input. We have “adult” conversations on a regular basis, out of which I always get something. We still have fun though, but at the same time I don’t feel stagnant when we spend time together because I always get something out of it, I feel satisfied and I don’t feel stressed out when I talk to her even if we are venting about problems! I have some other friends that are incredibly immature, can’t take criticism, and keep making the same mistakes over and over again essentially INVITING drama into their lives – these people stress me out after awhile. It isn’t because I don’t love them, it is just because we aren’t on the same page seeing things eye to eye. In time, maybe things will get better. If not, you move on. Everyone goes through rough patches now and again and everyone has room to grow.
That said, you cannot CANNOT CANNOT expect someone to change for you. Another major mistake I see people making all the time is going into a relationship with the idea that the person will change. It just leads to frustration, fights, hurt feelings, terrible drama! Ladies, I know it is in our nature to nurture, protect, fix things, baby others, etc… do not let this blind you. It is so easy to settle for a man who has potential but isn’t quite there yet. We think we can fix them and make them want to be a better man. Thing is, we can’t fix them mostly because the majority of them probably don’t see themselves as broken. Men have to want to be better men for them. They aren’t going to change for you. Maybe this happens on rare occasions, but I know I am damn sure as hell not going to change for any man. Take me as I am. What you see is what you get. We need to keep reminding ourselves of this when making a decision to date someone. We need to look for people who are what we need them to be already instead of people who have the potential…maybe…possibly… This goes along with the whole team work/compromise thing. No one is perfect. No one gets their way all the time. Cooperation is key. Everything in the universe is like one big machine working together and so are we as humans so when we can translate all of that into a relationship, things will run smoothly! And much like machines, relationships need care and attention. You can’t expect to just sit back and ignore a relationship and have it continue along, running just fine. You have to keep it greased up, keep it moving, pay attention to it, and talk nice to it once in awhile when no one is paying attention :]
Another issue I have experienced… communication. You cannot expect someone to do something or stop doing something UNLESS YOU TELL THEM. You have to tell people what you need and want, like and don’t like. Especially when it comes to men! Sorry boys, but you really aren’t the best at taking subtle hints. No one is perfect. If you are miserable in your current situation because your partner isn’t showing you enough affection then you need to SAY SOMETHING. If your partner’s pet nickname for you is Fatticus Pumpkin Pie and this offends you because you are sensitive about your weight you need to SAY SOMETHING. Chances are #1 if you speak up, they will feel more comfortable speaking up about what is bothering them and #2 they might be having the same exact issue but were afraid to speak up about it! Holding in your feelings and bottling them up is only disaster waiting to happen. Eventually the cork is going to come undone and all of the negativity you have been saving to “spare someone’s feelings” or “prevent an awkward moment” are going to SPEW out and probably not in the most sensitive, tactful way. So really, you are just prolonging the hurt feelings and awkward moment and making them ten times worse. Just say what is on your mind. I have found that people respect you way more when you are completely candid and blunt about your feelings. If they can’t respect you for that, obviously they aren’t comfortable with their own feelings or just an asshole and you shouldn’t be with them anyway :]
This has become incredibly long and I just meant for it to be about me. Oh well. Anyway, back to me! I have been doing a lot of thinking since my last failed attempt at a relationship. It failed because of many of the things I mentioned above. We didn’t know each other and we rushed into things, there were a lot of expectations I think, most of which were unspoken. I wasn’t comfortable with this “thing” at all because I wasn’t comfortable with the guy. I didn’t really understand why it felt so weird, but I kept telling myself it felt weird because I wasn’t used to guys like him. I didn’t have any sort of emotional attachment or lustful urge towards the guy and I felt like he didn’t even care about ME he just cared about the IDEA of me – meaning I was the thing on his arm making him not a divorced, lonely guy. I tried to get to know him but it all felt so superficial and forced. I felt like maybe things would take off a little if I had sex with him – this made things worse! It opened my eyes to how awkward and forced it all was and how this was not at all what I wanted and I felt terrible that it had to be like that! Very rarely do I NOT enjoy sex to that degree and man I really did NOT enjoy it at all. So I knew it just wasn’t right and I wasn’t upset that I had to break it off so that was just more confirmation that he wasn’t the right guy for me.
I am at a point where I am incredibly frustrated with my lack of success in relationships. I have been thinking quite a bit about why this is and I have come to some really amazing realizations. I tend to have some patterns that I can’t seem to break. First is that my relationships are usually all or nothing and tend to go one of two ways – 1. The other person isn’t invested in the relationship and/or doesn’t really care about me like I care about them. I give way too much and take too little from a relationship, settle for much less than I deserve and end up getting myself hurt and treated like shit which is not satisfying. 2. The other person is way more invested in the relationship than I am, wants to move things along much faster than I do, is incredibly clingy and attached and overbearing to the point where I feel smothered. I run away from that and become annoyed and disgusted and want nothing to do with the person who ends up becoming extremely upset and getting emotional, giving me a huge guilt trip or going completely psycho on me! Why is this I wonder? The problem I am having is finding that happy medium. I don’t want a man who is clingy and emotional and disgusting but at the same time I don’t want someone who doesn’t care about me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Am I asking for too much here or just looking in the wrong place for guys? How is it that these relationships seem to be on completely different sides of the fence? I think this has a lot to do with the whole “rushing into things” idea – either I am rushing or they are and neither is healthy. Just more proof that I am right on with the whole “being friends first” thing.
The second pattern I see myself constantly falling into is having expectations that are way too high. My parents and family have always expected a lot of me and I have always expected a lot of myself. I sometimes think that I expect way too much at times. I tend to bring these expectations on everyone else, usually in an unrealistic and unfair manner. When I expect so much out of someone, I am almost always guaranteed to be let down in the end. I set myself up for failure and I set the relationship up for failure. I blame others for not being what I want them to be when it isn’t even their fault – it’s mine! This isn’t fair for them or for me. I need to focus on the relationship in the present situation and enjoy the moment instead of worrying so much about the future possibilities. I also need to set clear expectations in the beginning and communicate my needs better so I don’t get upset when things aren’t going how I want. I can’t expect someone to be on the same page as me if they don’t even know what page I am on!
It is difficult to pinpoint exactly why things are the way they are. I did realize, however, that I am very balls to the wall with my emotions. I feel things very intensely and I often feel them very quickly and these feelings are subject to change under various circumstances at any given time. I will typically have a strong like or a strong dislike towards something/someone that doesn’t change easily. For example, if I dislike someone when I meet them for the first time it is usually a long and difficult process to get me to like them if I do. Because they are so intense, I think that it is difficult for me to control my emotions and get a handle on them. Most of the foolish, stupid mistakes I make are due to me making a decision based on impulses and thinking emotionally instead of rationally. My intuition does serve me well – I am able to sense when something isn’t right and it usually isn’t right. Although I am very intuitive and able to completely trust my gut feelings, they are often masked by emotions. When I finally see through the emotions, I feel very silly and it becomes quite obvious what really was going on. By then it is usually too late to fix the problem.
Another obstacle that this creates is trying to share my feelings with others. I feel so intensely about things, but it is very rare that someone else can understand that. This becomes frustrating for me. I feel alone and alienated at times and me feeling like that actually causes me to push people away in my frustration. I need to understand that just because someone isn’t *as* excited as me doesn’t mean they aren’t excited. That just because someone isn’t *as* happy/sad/in love/amazed/curious/etc. as me doesn’t mean that they aren’t at all. They might just be a duller shade of that emotion. I feel sometimes like I experience emotions in HD and most others experience emotions in something slightly above black and white. This is both an AWESOME thing and a SHITTY thing. I think this issue becomes even worse when it comes to men, because from my experience most men tend to be pretty much black and white with their emotions. Either they like something or they don’t. Either they are o.k. or pissed off. Very rarely do you ever see a man jump up and down in excitement and clap his hands while shouting “YAYYYY!!!!!!!” I do this several times daily. I need to learn not to be offended, but just to understand that people see things through different lenses.
Realizing these two patterns is so powerful and empowering. I think that is the hardest part. Fixing the problem, although it might take time, is way easier. Although it may be frustrating to use trial and error and fuck things up a bit before getting it to work again, at least I know exactly what is wrong.
So in all of that, I have made the decision to just stop looking. Have you ever looked desperately for a lost item, searching hours and hours through your house to find something in the most ridiculous places – and messing everything up in the process – you don’t find it! The next day when you aren’t even thinking about it, it turns up right in front of your face? Yeah, I think that’s how this works. I think I lost my focus on the now, on enjoying the moment when I was looking desperately for a relationship. I searched high and low and did everything I could to do and say the right things and look in the right places for the right men and set my standards higher and lower and in between. I did all of these ridiculous things! But I finally realized that it isn’t a matter of looking, it’s just a matter of letting things be. Love is a natural thing. It grows without being forced to grow. Sure you still have to take care of it to a point. Tomatoes will still grow even if you don’t use all sorts of fancy fertilizer. Leaves will still fall off the trees. Bunnies and mice (and welfare mothers) will continue to reproduce at alarming rates… you just have to give it time and let it be and everything will work out. When it is fake and forced and rushed it isn’t as nice. I would rather fall in love slowly and have things be just right than get in over my head thinking with my irrational emotions and end up married to someone I can’t stand and stuck in a shitty situation. The right person will come to me eventually as long as I keep making friends and keep an open mind. Yes, it is frustrating to think about how many guys I know, how many of those guys I don’t even want to be friends with and how many of my friends I would never, ever date in a million years. But you never know when someone amazing is going to pop into your life out of nowhere and change it forever. Kind of like the lost shirt you looked for – you knew it was there, you dumped out your dresser drawers, you moved your bed, you looked in the fridge and you couldn’t find the damn thing and then the next day you realized it was right in front of your face.
Yeah, I’m the hopeless romantic that is starting to realize that love tends to be just like that. So I am going to smile about that for awhile.
