An extremely long thought bubble on relationships…

I have decided that I am officially done looking for a relationship. Why? Because it just doesn’t work that way. I really don’t think that good relationships happen when you look for them. It results in high expectations and feeling like you have to rush things. What are the foundations of a good relationship? Friendship, communication and teamwork are. Hands down. When you first meet someone, it takes awhile before you feel comfortable with a person and know how to effectively communicate with them. Obviously, it can take years to get to know a person inside and out depending on the situation. In terms of an argument, how well you know the person and your ability to communicate can make or break it. Feelings are so easy to hurt and words are so easy to misunderstand, making it really easy to get into a fight with someone – but if you are programmed to know how to help them understand you better without hurting their feelings, this kind of thing can be avoided.

I have seen so many people fail miserably at their relationships (myself included) just because there was a lack of communication. I have also experienced failure simply because there was no friendship, no foundation upon which to build a relationship. If you can’t be friends with someone, how the hell do you expect to be in a committed relationship with them? How do you know this is someone you want to be with when you don’t even know basic things about them? People (myself included) have ended relationships when they have discovered something about their partner’s personality, lifestyle, etc. that was a deal breaker for them. Then, they act surprised at this. “Oh my God, I can’t believe Phil likes to look at animal porn. I can’t believe I would ever date such a monster!” Come on… if you were actually friends first, you would have seen that at some point (A very dramatic example, but you know what I am saying). I have a lot of guy friends. I will admit that about 99.9% of the time, I had a crush on these guys at first. I am glad about this for two reasons. First of all, guy friends are valuable for many purposes  – they can give you much insight into the male species of course, offer advice, and help you realize things about yourself that you never realized were attractive or unattractive to men. I think if you can be the kind of girl who is friends with a lot of guys you are more likely to be a great girlfriend – if you pay attention to what you hear. Second of all, in getting to know my guy friends that I used to have a crush on I was able to see things that I hadn’t before. I’m glad I’m not dating some of them! I can see how much of a train wreck it would be and I just don’t want to go there.  I think this can be said for the reverse situation (guys with many girl friends) too.

Friendships are difficult enough without sex and love. Right now, I am finding myself in a very difficult place with a lot of my close friends. A lot of it is just growing up and getting older and having different goals and paths. Some of it though is just in getting to know myself better and getting to know them better. Some people just don’t see eye to eye, some people just don’t get along and some people no matter how hard you try cannot be on the same team. You know how some people are born to lead and some are born to follow. You can’t have two followers on a two person team! So in that “getting to know a person” adventure, your relationship changes. People mature at different paces. I can constructively criticize one friend, for example, and she will be OK with it and appreciate my input. We have “adult” conversations on a regular basis, out of which I always get something. We still have fun though, but at the same time I don’t feel stagnant when we spend time together because I always get something out of it, I feel satisfied and I don’t feel stressed out when I talk to her even if we are venting about problems! I have some other friends that are incredibly immature, can’t take criticism, and keep making the same mistakes over and over again essentially INVITING drama into their lives – these people stress me out after awhile. It isn’t because I don’t love them, it is just because we aren’t on the same page seeing things eye to eye. In time, maybe things will get better. If not, you move on. Everyone goes through rough patches now and again and everyone has room to grow.

That said, you cannot CANNOT CANNOT expect someone to change for you. Another major mistake I see people making all the time is going into a relationship with the idea that the person will change. It just leads to frustration, fights, hurt feelings, terrible drama! Ladies, I know it is in our nature to nurture, protect, fix things, baby others, etc… do not let this blind you. It is so easy to settle for a man who has potential but isn’t quite there yet. We think we can fix them and make them want to be a better man. Thing is, we can’t fix them mostly because the majority of them probably don’t see themselves as broken. Men have to want to be better men for them. They aren’t going to change for you. Maybe this happens on rare occasions, but I know I am damn sure as hell not going to change for any man. Take me as I am. What you see is what you get. We need to keep reminding ourselves of this when making a decision to date someone. We need to look for people who are what we need them to be already instead of people who have the potential…maybe…possibly… This goes along with the whole team work/compromise thing. No one is perfect. No one gets their way all the time. Cooperation is key. Everything in the universe is like one big machine working together and so are we as humans so when we can translate all of that into a relationship, things will run smoothly! And much like machines, relationships need care and attention. You can’t expect to just sit back and ignore a relationship and have it continue along, running just fine. You have to keep it greased up, keep it moving, pay attention to it, and talk nice to it once in awhile when no one is paying attention :]

Another issue I have experienced… communication. You cannot expect someone to do something or stop doing something UNLESS YOU TELL THEM. You have to tell people what you need and want, like and don’t like. Especially when it comes to men! Sorry boys, but you really aren’t the best at taking subtle hints. No one is perfect. If you are miserable in your current situation because your partner isn’t showing you enough affection then you need to SAY SOMETHING. If your partner’s pet nickname for you is Fatticus Pumpkin Pie and this offends you because you are sensitive about your weight you need to SAY SOMETHING. Chances are #1 if you speak up, they will feel more comfortable speaking up about what is bothering them and #2 they might be having the same exact issue but were afraid to speak up about it! Holding in your feelings and bottling them up is only disaster waiting to happen. Eventually the cork is going to come undone and all of the negativity you have been saving to “spare someone’s feelings” or “prevent an awkward moment” are going to SPEW out and probably not in the most sensitive, tactful way. So really, you are just prolonging the hurt feelings and awkward moment and making them ten times worse. Just say what is on your mind. I have found that people respect you way more when you are completely candid and blunt about your feelings. If they can’t respect you for that, obviously they aren’t comfortable with their own feelings or just an asshole and you shouldn’t be with them anyway :]

This has become incredibly long and I just meant for it to be about me. Oh well. Anyway, back to me! I have been doing a lot of thinking since my last failed attempt at a relationship. It failed because of many of the things I mentioned above. We didn’t know each other and we rushed into things, there were a lot of expectations I think, most of which were unspoken. I wasn’t comfortable with this “thing” at all because I wasn’t comfortable with the guy. I didn’t really understand why it felt so weird, but I kept telling myself it felt weird because I wasn’t used to guys like him. I didn’t have any sort of emotional attachment or lustful urge towards the guy and I felt like he didn’t even care about ME he just cared about the IDEA of me – meaning I was the thing on his arm making him not a divorced, lonely guy. I tried to get to know him but it all felt so superficial and forced. I felt like maybe things would take off a little if I had sex with him – this made things worse! It opened my eyes to how awkward and forced it all was and how this was not at all what I wanted and I felt terrible that it had to be like that! Very rarely do I NOT enjoy sex to that degree and man I really did NOT enjoy it at all. So I knew it just wasn’t right and I wasn’t upset that I had to break it off so that was just more confirmation that he wasn’t the right guy for me.

I am at a point where I am incredibly frustrated with my lack of success in relationships. I have been thinking quite a bit about why this is and I have come to some really amazing realizations. I tend to have some patterns that I can’t seem to break. First is that my relationships are usually all or nothing and tend to go one of two ways – 1. The other person isn’t invested in the relationship and/or doesn’t really care about me like I care about them. I give way too much and take too little from a relationship, settle for much less than I deserve and end up getting myself hurt and treated like shit which is not satisfying. 2. The other person is way more invested in the relationship than I am, wants to move things along much faster than I do, is incredibly clingy and attached and overbearing to the point where I feel smothered. I run away from that and become annoyed and disgusted and want nothing to do with the person who ends up becoming extremely upset and getting emotional, giving me a huge guilt trip or going completely psycho on me! Why is this I wonder? The problem I am having is finding that happy medium. I don’t want a man who is clingy and emotional and disgusting but at the same time I don’t want someone who doesn’t care about me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Am I asking for too much here or just looking in the wrong place for guys? How is it that these relationships seem to be on completely different sides of the fence? I think this has a lot to do with the whole “rushing into things” idea – either I am rushing or they are and neither is healthy. Just more proof that I am right on with the whole “being friends first” thing.

The second pattern I see myself constantly falling into is having expectations that are way too high. My parents and family have always expected a lot of me and I have always expected a lot of myself. I sometimes think that I expect way too much at times. I tend to bring these expectations on everyone else, usually in an unrealistic and unfair manner. When I expect so much out of someone, I am almost always guaranteed to be let down in the end. I set myself up for failure and I set the relationship up for failure. I blame others for not being what I want them to be when it isn’t even their fault – it’s mine! This isn’t fair for them or for me. I need to focus on the relationship in the present situation and enjoy the moment instead of worrying so much about the future possibilities. I also need to set clear expectations in the beginning and communicate my needs better so I don’t get upset when things aren’t going how I want. I can’t expect someone to be on the same page as me if they don’t even know what page I am on!

It is difficult to pinpoint exactly why things are the way they are. I did realize, however, that I am very balls to the wall with my emotions. I feel things very intensely and I often feel them very quickly and these feelings are subject to change under various circumstances at any given time.  I will typically have a strong like or a strong dislike towards something/someone that doesn’t change easily. For example, if I dislike someone when I meet them for the first time it is usually a long and difficult process to get me to like them if I do. Because they are so intense, I think that it is difficult for me to control my emotions and get a handle on them. Most of the foolish, stupid mistakes I make are due to me making a decision based on impulses and thinking emotionally instead of rationally. My intuition does serve me well – I am able to sense when something isn’t right and it usually isn’t right. Although I am very intuitive and able to completely trust my gut feelings, they are often masked by emotions. When I finally see through the emotions, I feel very silly and it becomes quite obvious what really was going on. By then it is usually too late to fix the problem.

Another obstacle that this creates is trying to share my feelings with others. I feel so intensely about things, but it is very rare that someone else can understand that. This becomes frustrating for me. I feel alone and alienated at times and me feeling like that actually causes me to push people away in my frustration. I need to understand that just because someone isn’t *as* excited as me doesn’t mean they aren’t excited. That just because someone isn’t *as* happy/sad/in love/amazed/curious/etc. as me doesn’t mean that they aren’t at all. They might just be a duller shade of that emotion. I feel sometimes like I experience emotions in HD and most others experience emotions in something slightly above black and white. This is both an AWESOME thing and a SHITTY thing. I think this issue becomes even worse when it comes to men, because from my experience most men tend to be pretty much black and white with their emotions. Either they like something or they don’t. Either they are o.k. or pissed off. Very rarely do you ever see a man jump up and down in excitement and clap his hands while shouting “YAYYYY!!!!!!!” I do this several times daily. I need to learn not to be offended, but just to understand that people see things through different lenses.

Realizing these two patterns is so powerful and empowering. I think that is the hardest part. Fixing the problem, although it might take time, is way easier. Although it may be frustrating to use trial and error and fuck things up a bit before getting it to work again, at least I know exactly what is wrong.

So in all of that, I have made the decision to just stop looking. Have you ever looked desperately for a lost item, searching hours and hours through your house to find something in the most ridiculous places – and messing everything up in the process – you don’t find it! The next day when you aren’t even thinking about it, it turns up right in front of your face? Yeah, I think that’s how this works. I think I lost my focus on the now, on enjoying the moment when I was looking desperately for a relationship. I searched high and low and did everything I could to do and say the right things and look in the right places for the right men and set my standards higher and lower and in between. I did all of these ridiculous things! But I finally realized that it isn’t a matter of looking, it’s just a matter of letting things be.  Love is a natural thing. It grows without being forced to grow. Sure you still have to take care of it to a point. Tomatoes will still grow even if you don’t use all sorts of fancy fertilizer. Leaves will still fall off the trees. Bunnies and mice (and welfare mothers) will continue to reproduce at alarming rates… you just have to give it time and let it be and everything will work out. When it is fake and forced and rushed it isn’t as nice. I would rather fall in love slowly and have things be just right than get in over my head thinking with my irrational emotions and end up married to someone I can’t stand and stuck in a shitty situation. The right person will come to me eventually as long as I keep making friends and keep an open mind. Yes, it is frustrating to think about how many guys I know, how many of those guys I don’t even want to be friends with and how many of my friends I would never, ever date in a million years. But you never know when someone amazing is going to pop into your life out of nowhere and change it forever. Kind of like the lost shirt you looked for – you knew it was there, you dumped out your dresser drawers, you moved your bed, you looked in the fridge and you couldn’t find the damn thing and then the next day you realized it was right in front of your face.

Yeah, I’m the hopeless romantic that is starting to realize that love tends to be just like that. So I am going to smile about that for awhile.

*POP* Burst Bubble.

Today I got a *lovely* letter from the Fingerlakes School of Health Nursing (apparently my mom doesn’t get the mail on Saturdays) informing me that I did not in fact get accepted. And I was so, so sure that I was going to get in there. Especially because during my interview the woman said, “Oh I’m sure you will get right in, you have an excellent transcript and we haven’t had very many applicants this year.” Thanks for the false hopes lady. Chances are slim to none that I will get in at FLCC since there are so many other people trying to get in – people who have all their prereqs done and I don’t even have A&P 1 since idiot advisor man told me I should take Fundamentals this semester instead.

I’m completely lost now. My plan is now completely destroyed. I now have to wait until next fall AT LEAST to be in nursing school. I’m so tired of waiting :[. I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and be a midwife and start delivering babies.

I hate this fucking town. I hate living with my mom. I hate feeling like im stuck. I don’t belong here. I want to move on with my life but I feel like I am being held back. Why? I know that everything happens for a reason, but I want to know the reason. I felt so right about this and I was so sure it was going to happen and things were going to fall into place. Apparently, that isn’t the case anymore.

All of the positive energy and certainty I have been feeling lately has been taken from me in a matter of seconds.

Now I don’t know what to do.

It’s times like these when I wish I had my soulmate to hold me and comfort me and tell me everything will be OK. But wait, that part of my life hasn’t happened yet. It was scheduled to occur shortly after I got accepted into nursing school. Crap.

Stagnant: check.

Alone: check.

Miserable: check.

:[

Limbo…

I feel like I’m in limbo.

I have no idea what I am doing next semester. I don’t know if I am going to get accepted into both programs I applied to, one, or neither. I don’t know where I will be in the fall and there’s a possibility that I might not know until September. That is very scary for me. I could either be on my way to being an R.N. or still waiting and wasting time. And I am impatient! Waiting for life to happen… I think it’s worth the wait.

As much as I would go for either program, I would rather get into FLCC because the hours are WAY more flexible. I can work my schedule around when I want to work and decide what days I want to go. The FLSHN program is only nights and weekends, which will suck. The first semester is 17 credit hours alone and on top of that I still have to take my prereqs which will add at least another 4 credit hours to my load. This doesn’t even include time for homework and studying! If I go to FLSHN I have to take my prereqs through Keuka (or FLCC I think) which would mean that I have to go somewhere else for labs if not class too. On the other hand, from what I hear FLSHN is more intensive, challenging and hard which means I will have way more of a challenge there. FLCC is definitely not challenging at all and I feel like their expectations are very low.  I was also told that FLCC is more acredited, or well known. So I’m not sure what that means… I feel like it was implied that if I go to FLSHN my degree will not mean as much.

Either way, I will probably keep going on for my BSN. There is an intensive 14 (I think) month program at Keuka for RN’s to get their BSN and there is also an online program. So I will probably go on to do that while I work.

I’m hoping to get a job straight out of school, and ideally start the travelling nurse thing right away. I have to look into that more because I’m not sure how much experience I need to qualify for that, but either way if I get my BSN in the process of gaining experience I will get paid more to travel and those gigs pay some serious money! I’m hoping in the process of travelling I will find where I want to settle down, or at least get rid of this wanderlust mindset that I have. As for now, I really can’t wait to get out of here. I’m so tired of the Fingerlakes as much as I love it.

Then, when all of that is said and done I want to get started on being a Midwife. But that could change. Who knows, maybe I will find something else I like even more? Or maybe I will get a job at a birth center right away where I can work towards being a CPM or CNM. One thing is for sure though, if I do the Midwife thing I will most likely have to relocate somewhere else. If I stay in NY maybe Ithaca? Who knows. I’ve talked with friends about different possibilities. One friend wants to buy a VW Pop-up Camper and travel the U.S. being nurses, another wants to open up a birth center or a “birth house”. How amazing is it that the possibilities are endless?!

It’s scary for me to not know exactly what I am doing, but exciting at the same time. Life is such an adventure! I can’t even begin to imagine the kind of person I will be a nd where I will be at in 5 years. I can’t even imagine what I will be like in one. I have changed so much in the past couple of years, when I read my old blogs and remember how things used to be I hardly remember myself. What a great thing! I used to get upset when I would think about the past and the times I used to have, and wish I could go back to that. Now… no way! Waiting for life to happen and living in the moment is so much more fulfilling!

Myspace blog from April 18, 2009

Thoughts…
1. Why can’t people just be honest?

And I don’t mean just “telling the truth” I mean like being BLUNT and putting it out there.

I have more tolerance for the stupid, hurtful, silly things that people do that way. It’s human to act like that – we all do it. But when you try to make yourself look perfect like you don’t make mistakes or do things you know are hurtful… come on. Own up to being human.

2. Where are all the men that know who they are and what they want? You know what, make that people in general. I realize it’s quite difficult to figure those things out sometimes, but it seems like most of the people (at least the ones I meet) have no fucking clue and aren’t even trying to get there. How can you not want to figure that stuff out? Maybe it’s just in this area. I should move back to Buffalo or far, far away and maybe then I will meet some people who fill my requirements. But probably not.

3. There is this “void”… this missing piece of me. I don’t know where it came from, what it is or how to fill it. I’ve tried to but I still feel empty somehow. What is missing in my life? I feel like I have everything covered. Am I not seeing something important? This void is physically painful, if I think about it. It literally feels like I was married for 60 years to my soul mate and they suddenly died. Perhaps it is time for me to take a trip to Lilydale and go talk to a medium.

4. Why is it that this time of year, every year… it almost never fails… why is it that people (specifically guys) who are no longer a part of my life try to jump back on the Liz train? I don’t understand… is it spring fever? Were they all busy and suddenly April just freed up and it seemed like a great time to try and get ahold of me? Weird. What makes people want to reconnect after something that [obviously] failed miserably? What makes someone think, “Man, I was wasted the entire time I dated that girl and I treated her like shit. I should give her a call.” ? Maybe this is a symptom of the “I don’t know who I am or what I want” disease that people around me seem to be having. (not EVERYONE thankfully.)

What have you been thinking about?

Myspace blog from February 8, 2009

I’m Done
I am done with unfulfilling, unsatisfying, hurtful, meaningless, pointless, RIDICULOUS “relationships” with men.

I am done making excuses for these men and for myself and prolonging the inevitable (disappointment, broken heart, etc.)

I am done with men who claim that they do not know what they want, act like they do not know what they want, and mean something completely different than what they say.

I am done with anything but honesty.

I am tired of men who string me along for sex, completely oblivious and apathetic of my feelings.

No longer will I continue to have sexual relationships unless an emotional relationship and commitment is involved.

No longer will I respond to calls at 2am from drunken idiots who want a piece of ass.

I will no longer fool myself into thinking that if I sleep with a guy for a year and a half, he will eventually fall in love with me even when he told me clearly that he does not want a relationship.

I will not pretend things are what they are not or imagine men how I want them instead of who they are.

I will not twist things 50 ways to make them meaningful. I will not overanalyze or overthink. I will not hear only what I only want to hear.

I will not make excuses for men or blame myself when they are not treating me in the way I deserve.

I deserve to be with someone who cares about me, thinks I am awesome and tells me that often.

I will not be with a man who uses alcohol or drugs excessively to avoid his feelings or problems. I am worth being sober for.

I will not expect a man to change his ways, especially not for me.

I will no longer make the first move or do the chasing. I will no longer work for a guy’s attention or feel bad if I don’t get it.

I will not accept “hanging out” as a date. I will not accept “lets meet at the bar for drinks” as a date. I will not accept never meeting his friends and/or family.

I am done with emotionally unavailable men who have no regard for my wants or needs.

If you are not acting like a friend, treating me like a friend and saying/doing things a friend would say/do, you are therefore most certainly not my friend and I most certainly should not be sleeping with you. Goodbye. Get off my contact list.

I will no longer create grandiose stories and epic adventures about why a guy hasn’t called me.

I will no longer make an effort to spend time with someone who doesn’t want to spend time with me.

I will not repeatedly text, call, or myspace a guy because I am convinced they are too busy to text, call, or myspace me since obviously I am oh-so-very unimportant in their busy, important world. Fuck that. I should be a priority.

I will no longer give out second, third and fourth chances freely. If you fuck up, you are done. And if you truly think you deserve a second chance, you’d better do something pretty god-damned fantastic to get one.

I refuse to be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they are going to do.

Better than nothing is not good enough for me.

I refuse to tolerate cheating. I refuse to be “the other woman” or “the dirty mistress”.

I will no longer waste time on men who have already rejected me.

I will no longer compromise my self esteem because feeling shitty about myself and my shitty relationship is supposedly better than being lonely.

If I start to feel avoided, anxious, or deceived in any way I will take it as a rejection and move on.

I am done with meaningless relationships and short term flings.

I refuse to throw myself at a guy who is shy and convince myself that’s ok.

I do not need to beg someone to ask me on a date. I am fabulous.

I am finished being a doormat. I will no longer allow men to walk allover me and make me feel like shit.

I deserve to be valued and adored, not treated like an object.

I refuse to settle for less than I deserve or lower my standards for the sake of avoiding loneliness.

Amen.

Myspace blog from January 1, 2009

2009?
What happened to 2008?

As I get older it seems like the years fly by faster and faster.

Looking back on the year I see how much I have changed… how small, seemingly insignificant steps have caused major growth. How small, seemingly insignificant decisions have had HUGE consequences.

I am not necessarily proud of some of the decisions I have made, yet I can’t help feeling a sense of growth, a sense of maturity. I feel as if my view of the world is being stretched and warped with every choice, every action, every consequence. People I thought I knew have suprised me and are no longer the people I knew before. I have come to realize the place I once belonged is no longer existant, and where I belong is once again unknown to me.

I have realized that change within me occurs at a different pace. Change around me happens so much faster or slower. I am starting to feel how I am tied to the universe. I am starting to accept that everyone else’s time is not MY time. But why is my time seem always after everyone else’s?

I was happy but I was sad last night, sitting around a table with my friends waiting for midnight. How is it possible for me to be so painfully happy and so painfully sad all at once? The energy in the air was so positive. Probably the first new years I have celebrated in awhile without being drunk. It was a whole new experience for me. I was surrounded with people I love, although that love has shifted and changed since last year. I was waiting and hoping for another love to come, and he did not… I felt selfish for whining about it.

A friend pointed out that all that matters is I am with people who love me. Why was that not enough for me? It is difficult for me to be single, childless – even though it is what I want and need right now – when my closest friends have already reached that stage of their lives. Lauren and Todd married with 3 kids. Niciy and Mario engaged, taking care of Nina and talking about starting a family already. Why is it that my friends get to experience that kind of love before me? They always have. It makes me lonely. It makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. I have always felt as if I am on the outside… this makes me feel more like I am on the outside.

So at midnight, there I was sitting between two couples yet so alone. Niciy and Lauren made it a point to kiss me before their husbands. Yeah, I get it… they are showing me how much I mean to them. I still couldn’t help feeling like a pity case.

My friend said to me… she doesn’t think it’s my time right now. She said she thinks it will be after I finish school… that everything is just going to happen at once and snap into place. I can’t really help believing her. Things tend to happen that way for me… ironically, I hate that. I get overwhelmed and feel out of control when too much change happens at once. But that has always been the case for me. I don’t want to be too optimistic and think I will have a fairytale ending to my life, but things tend to naturally occur that way for me… just falling into place somehow. I just hate waiting, I hate being in this “limbo”… not knowing and just waiting. Waiting for school to start, waiting to get accepted into the nursing program, waiting to find the man who makes the universe stop, fall into place and suddenly everything makes sense. How long do I have to wait?

And so I wait… but I can’t help but wonder what 2009 will bring to me… Will I have more pain and drama this year? Or will I have a year full of wonderful things? Will I continue to be stuck in a “limbo” or will my life continue to move forward as I have wanted it to so desperately?

We drank champagne and laughed, I smoked a cigarette with Niciy as she poured her heart out to me and confided in me. I felt guilty for some of the feelings I had toward her just a month ago and remembered why I love her. I went inside and laughed some more with my drunk friends and remembered why I love them too. I waited patiently to drive them home and couldn’t help but laugh at them in their drunken states… running around the bar taking balloons like children. How symbolic it was for me. The four of them dancing and laughing… I made a video and sent it to Kara. It was so perfect… just like a movie. I drove them home and my car was so full of balloons I couldn’t see out the back. How symbolic… me on the outside, me completely sober, me feeling the most adult of the group yet the most childish as well. Filled with joy and sorrow all at once. I wished for Jay. I wished that he had shown up and passionately kissed me at midnight. But that wouldn’t have fit the theme of my story. It would have been like Nora Roberts writing a chapter in a Chuck Palahniuk novel. I thought of love – of how much love I have, how much love my friends and family have for me, how I deserve to be loved, how I want to be loved. I thought about how this feeling would expand with the addition of a soulmate, of a child. I thought about the love I have for myself that grows and grows… and how it will continue to grow. I wished I had balloons… I wanted to set them free into the sky. Release all of the baggage from 2008 and make room in my soul for 2009. A new year. A new chapter. How will this one end?

Myspace blog from September 1, 2008

Big Decisions

So after weeks of being completely miserable about my current career situation I have finally come to a decision.

I’m going back to school to become a nurse. I think it will make me a happier person.

I’m looking at a couple of different options in the area and hopefully I will get things rolling fast enough to start school in January.

I’m really excited :]

Myspace blog from August 18, 2008

Being Misunderstood…
I was at the laundromat this morning when I had the following musing:
(I do this a lot while at the laundromat)

I sometimes think that I am socially fucked up and awkward. OK, I know that I am. I have always had a hard time talking in front of a lot of people and I have always been afraid of making a fool out of myself or not saying the right thing, etc. I know that most people have issues with public speaking… but mine are pretty severe. I am pretty much a pro at making myself invisible in the back of a classroom in order to avoid being called on. I hardly ever raised my hand in class. In college I came close to failing classes due to my refusals to do oral presentations. I would pretty much chew off my own arm in favor of doing one. As a matter of fact I had a complete nervous breakdown the night before I had to do one… we are talking full blown tears. I eventually worked up the courage to do it only when I realized there was a girl in my class that was doing the same topic as me and the professor allowed us to present together. Anyway… I digress…

I also have a really difficult time starting and maintaining conversations with people I have just met or barely know. Even people I do know sometimes. It can be extremely frustrating. I feel like people must think I am cold, snobby, aloof, etc. In fact I’m SURE of it.

I’m also pretty sure I give off a “please don’t talk to me” vibe because very rarely do people approach me in a social setting to talk to me unless a. I already know them b. I am with a group of people c. They are either really fucked up or just plain weird. I really dont mean to. Some of the time I actually DON’T want to be approached but we will get to that later. Most of the time I really do try to use appropriate body language to make myself look approachable and I try to smile. I know my “default” facial expression is quite pouty and that probably makes me look like a huge bitch.

This lady across the street even said something to my roommate about me and it made me feel really bad about myself. Shes this older woman, definitely the nosy gossipy neighbor type but shes very friendly and seems like a genuinely nice person. But she scares the HELL out of me. She’s been in our face pretty much ever since we moved in and in our business. I’m not really used to people being like that and I don’t like it. It makes me really uncomfortable for someone I don’t know to walk up on my porch and sit down and start talking and asking me personal questions like where I work and who my roommates are and what they do. So pretty much since I realized she was like that I have tried to avoid her at all costs… avoiding eye contact, avoiding conversation… the other day I refused to leave the house until she was gone because I didn’t want to talk to her. But I would never want her to know that stuff because it would probably make her feel bad. Apparently she does and has said something in regards to me not being very personable.

Lady, its not you, really. I hate talking to anyone I don’t know. I hate it when strangers approach me in public and ask me for help or try to talk to me about something. When I am grocery shopping I want to do my shopping. I don’t want to talk with you about the quality of my meats. I don’t want to know about your personal grocery preferences. I don’t want you to tell me if you prefer Tropicana over Wegman’s Brand. When I am doing laundry, I don’t want you to tell me how you wish you were young again so you could sit on the floor. (Much like what happened today) I just want to do my shit and be left alone.

Is this because I am just anti-social or is it because it is too nervewracking to think about making conversation with a stranger and what they might think? Originally I thought I was just being anti-social, but my thoughts today have proved otherwise.

Because on my “more outgoing” days, I get really excited when a stranger walks by me on the street and says hi. I am amused by the crazy old ladies in Wal-Mart that talk to me. I enjoy having a conversation with the cashier about what I am buying. Talking with strangers isn’t so bad and I can even sometimes joke around with people. But after the fact I still get a little anxious and feel awkward and wonder if I said something stupid. It freaks me out.

So mostly I just keep to myself. I smile and nod at people and that probably makes me look like a huge bitch. I wouldn’t doubt it if people thought I was stupid because of all the smiling and nodding. I barely make eye contact with people… even people I know very well. Lately I have taken to wearing my sunglasses indoors to avoid eye contact in hopes that fewer people will try to talk to me.

It makes me really sad when I am in a social situation with a bunch of friends and I am just sitting in a corner somewhere alone while everyone else talks to random people. Then I feel bad because my friends are “obligated” to “come check up on me” every so often. I hate it being constantly asked if I’m ok just because I’m not smiling or talking. Most of all I hate being lonely. I think I am a pretty fun person to be around and I have a lot of interesting things to say but I don’t really ever get (or give myself) the chance to prove this. People tend to walk away from a conversation after a few one word answers and grunts. Even I would. So unless I have something interesting to talk about right off the bat… and even if I do I usually forget it in my anxiety of “new person! omg!”…my conversations with people I don’t know usually last about 2 minutes tops. Just enough to introduce myself and answer a few choice questions about what I do and talk to the other person about what they do.

It’s not like I don’t know how to fix this. I know to change my body language. I know to make sure I ask lots of questions and try to think of conversation topics beforehand. Blah Blah. But all of this stuff is way easier said than done, especially when anxiety comes into play. I know that sometimes it can be good to just admit right away that you are shy… I’m sorry what am I going to say. Hi. I’m Liz and I’m shy. That sounds so stupid. That sounds as inviting as saying Hi. I’m Fred and I like to take naked pictures of little boys.

And what is the most frustrating is WHY… why should I care what people think of me? I am not here to please them. I am perfectly happy with who I am. I LIKE myself. So whats the big deal if I say something dumb? Why does it matter? But it DOES matter for some reason. How is it possible for me to not care so much what people think of me in general but when it comes to talking socially with a person its a completely different story?

I really do like people. It makes me feel bad to be judged that way and also to have to be that way. Realizing that my behavior isn’t normal was kind of weird. Because I guess I thought it was for awhile. Or that maybe I was just quiet. But today I kind of realized… no. I’m just really shy.

I get lonely very easily. When I am actually your friend I am a really good friend… ask anyone I am friends with. I am not shy around them at all. But that’s because the people I am friends with that I hang out with consistently I know pretty well and have I known them for awhile. I don’t talk a lot to strangers but if I know you and if you give me the chance I will talk your ear off. I guess I save it all for the people I know.

Myspace blog from July 6, 2008

Quitting Smoking: Day One
This morning started out well. Then I went to a family party. Then I went to the gas station to buy cigarettes. Oh well.

I guess seeing someone with a tracheotomy isn’t a good enough reinforcer to keep going.

Myspace blog from July 2, 2008

my thoughts on dating and relationships
It took me awhile to realize that it’s OK to be single. I had this idea in my head for awhile that I NEEDED to be in a relationship and I NEEDED to constantly be on the hunt for one. I guess I felt like that would complete me somehow.

But after several failed relationships, after a few horrible dates I realized that to be in a relationship because you NEED to be is all wrong. It is settling and it is being ignorant.

Why be in a relationship that is completely unfulfilling with someone unworthy? Why put your personal needs, wants and goals aside simply because you are lonely and want someone to care about you? Isn’t that what friends are for? Shouldn’t you be able to fill that void with not only friends but love for yourself?

I have come to realize that if I can’t make myself happy just being me and doing for me then NO ONE will be able to make me happy. I think that when I can learn to fully love myself is when I will be able to fully love someone else. I don’t think it is fair to expect someone to love you if you don’t love yourself. It is a lot of extra work in a relationship to deal with the insecurities and issues people have because they don’t have self love.

It is so much easier to live and do for ME and no one else. I don’t have to worry about being part of a “thing” that has to check with the other part of the “thing” to make sure that what I am doing isn’t what is best for the “thing”! Balancing everything that I have to balance in life is difficult enough without adding a relationship into the mix. I shouldn’t have to feel guilty if I want some time to myself or some time with my friends instead of a romantic night at home with my significant other. There should be no guilt involved in things that you enjoy.

If I am going to place myself into a committed situation then it better be worth it to lose my independence and ability to do for only myself. When you exist as a couple you have to think in terms of that and it becomes difficult to be “selfish”. If you settle down with someone that way, doesn’t it make sense that the person you choose to be with is someone you are willing to give up things for? (And I don’t mean you DO give up things or you HAVE to give up things because that isn’t always positive… but when you are WILLING to do so for someone.) If its a person who you are just settling for, who doesn’t make you truly happy… why bother? I feel like I shouldn’t waste my time on people who I dont fully enjoy spending time with. Isn’t that how it is supposed to be anyway… your “partner” should be your best friend as well as your lover?

So from now on, I refuse to settle for something unfulfilling. I would rather be lonely than feel guilty for picking my friends over my man or feel stressed out from being in a situation that doesn’t make me happy but staying in it just because its easier not to hurt someone’s feelings.

When I feel like I have done as much as I can that I want to do for myself, when I have grown enough to where I will be able to function as an equal part of a team, when I am stable enough to handle all of the work that comes in a relationship and when I feel that I love myself as much as I should… THEN I will be ready for something serious.

For now, I think I am satisfied being single.