First of all, I am so empathic towards others that I tend to actually take on their emotions – positive or negative. I confuse them with my own. I don’t even realize that I do this. Lately I have had to work really hard and make a conscious effort to avoid this behavior. I don’t know if I always do this to avoid my own feelings, but I think sometimes I do.

I am also guilty of not allowing myself emotion. Somehow my parents programmed me to believe that it is not OK to feel negative emotions or express them. Somehow I learned to feel ashamed of them and bottle them all up inside.   I feel like it isn’t normal to be mad or sad, that it isn’t OK. I feel like I have to be happy all the time. So when I don’t feel happy (which starts to be less and less the more I bottle up emotions) I feel ashamed which makes me feel even worse and I have even more feelings to bottle up and not deal with.

I realized in therapy today that out of all of my emotions, I have been doing the best with anger. Surprising that this one was the first to be resolved! But what I realized was I am now able (as compared to 5 years ago) to take my anger and use it in a constructive way. Because I have done this constructively and in an adult manner (instead of screaming, crying or throwing things) I feel good about myself and I feel better about being angry. It isn’t a scary thing that I have to avoid. I can accept that I have the emotion and not be ashamed. Now that I realize this, I can do the same for my other feelings.

As I start doing this, I will be able to identify how I am feeling and separate those feelings from the feelings of others. I will be more accepting of those feelings and of myself. I won’t feel so overwhelmed when I try to think in terms of my emotions (which is what happens now). I will be able to start DEALING with them instead of AVOIDING them because I won’t be afraid of shaming myself.

When I start dealing with these emotions in an adult manner with my adult self, much like I have been dealing with anger I can better take the burden off of my inner child. I can meet her needs better, take care of her, nurture her. This will stop me from feeling out of control, having this whirlwind of emotions all the time that I am constantly trying to hide from. I will be able to protect my inner child by facing my emotions rationally.

I am an emotional person. When I am happy, I am usually REALLY REALLY happy. When I am sad, it usually takes some time for me to snap out of it. This is who I am. This is normal and OK. I need to accept it and allow myself to feel these things without shame.

This is the case for ALL areas of my life.

First example: the case of Z. I worked with Z for awhile and (I thought) we had hit it off pretty well. I was really into him, not just in a “dating” way, but also I really just wanted to be his friend. We clicked. I wasn’t afraid to be myself in front of him. We had a lot of common interests, we played WoW together and I really liked spending time with him. So one day, he decided to leave work. This made me really sad because I wouldn’t get to see him as much, but I was also excited because I figured hey, if something is going to happen between us it wont be stopped by the whole coworker weirdness thing. I guess I was just thinking it was something when it wasn’t. So I invited him to a show in Rochester, we went, we had a really great time, I tried to be a little flirtatious without being weird just to see what would happen. I really thought he was into me too. At the end of the night he said that he had a great time and then… not even a hug goodbye. Then he stopped playing WoW with me or talking to me at all. Things went from YEAHHH this is working out to oh…hey…you went away just like everyone else. I will admit that I had some high hopes for the relationship but honestly I would have been satisfied just being friends and having someone to do stuff with that isn’t in a relationship, married, with kids, etc. And again, someone had come into my life and I let my guard down and then without warning just left. That really hurt. I really felt like shit and I felt like it was something that I had done. I started making all of these excuses for him about how I had come on too strong, that I was creepy, that we weren’t even friends to begin with and I had made the entire thing more than it was. All of that made me feel like even more shit. There’s now a new kid at work J that I would love to start a friendship with but I’m scared. He reminds me of Z and all of these feelings are coming FLOODING back making me feel like shit again. Really, when I am able to look past my own insecurities I think that Z is probably just a big dick that I should punch in the face.

Another example: nursing school/moving to Rochester. I finally figured out what I want to do with my life. I decided I want to get out of this lame fucking town and go somewhere that I might actually meet decent people (new people).  After a couple of years of taking classes and trying to get in (very frustrating) I got into FLHCON here in Geneva, but it’s not where I want to go. U of R sounds way better. And, oh great FLHCON starts in September, orientation is in August and I wont even find out about U of R until September. So I will probably have already started FLHCON then and paid for it but I know if I turn down that opportunity U of R will magically fall through leaving me not in nursing school at all. I don’t want that. So I figure alright, I will still move and just commute back to Geneva a couple times a week for school. I have been applying to jobs and had a really successful interview… but thinking about it I doubt I will make enough money if I get that job and if I take too much of a pay cut no way can I afford to live on my own in Rochester so I might as well just stay in Geneva. Oh wait… if I am living and going to school in Geneva, why am I looking for jobs in Rochester… and thus, my plans of moving have been pretty much annihilated. I am lucky that things are starting to finally go forward as far as nursing school but it makes it longer for me to have to be in this hellhole. I really just want to move far, far away and start over. But I can’t until I square away all the bullshit that’s stopping me. It would be so much easier just to stay here and at least be with the friends I do have… but that all leads me back to not meeting anyone new.

I’m ridiculously lonely. All of my friends, all of my former classmates it seems are getting married or in relationships. I have very few single friends without kids. Out of those friends, all of them are too busy with work and life to really do anything and the only thing we all really have in common anyway is drinking. I’m getting tired of the bar scene. I want to actually DO stuff with my friends. When I finally find friendship with someone, they always find a way to leave. K left and went to S.C. and now she is practically married for example. Most of my friends still have that small town mentality because they haven’t ever left the area and that annoys me. I am an evolving, growing, ambitious woman and I need people in my life who encourage this and compliment it. Small down bar drama does not compliment this. Every once in awhile my friends will “come back” when they are miserable, or single. Then the minute their life improves they are back to ignoring me. It’s like I exist in a limbo for miserable people. I feel extremely self-conscious about my personality and my weight. People tell me I am an amazing person, that I am beautiful, etc. I think I’m awesome, and I think I’m beautiful (I would be more beautiful if I lost 100lb) but then I think, “But why don’t I have a ton of friends and people wanting to be around me all the time?”. I go out to a bar with the girls and everyone ignores me. I went out with my roommate and her sister (both gorgeous girls) and the guys were flocking. I wasn’t even looking to pick anyone up but when I started casual conversation with some people they completely blew me off like I wasn’t there.  I don’t get it. The people who love me totally love me. But that’s it. The way they talk, you would think I would have a line of suitors following me at all times. But I don’t. It makes me feel like I’m fat and ugly. It makes me feel like I am a weirdo and that’s why no one wants to be my friend. Worst of all it makes me feel like I am a huge joke and my “friends” all just feel sorry for me and they humor me and try to make me feel better. I have some great friends that I am so thankful for, especially L. I would probably be lost without her. But all of my friends all have other people in their lives that are way more important than me. And that is fine. I understand husbands, family, sisters, kids… all way more important in the grand scheme of things. I just get sad when everyone kind of “pairs off” at the end of the day and I am alone. I feel like I have always been alone and I always will be. All I really want is to find the right guy to fill up my heart a little, a soul mate if you will. I know that sounds hopelessly romantic and sappy but it’s true. I just want someone there at the end of the day that puts me at the top of his list (although maybe below family in certain situations). I don’t want to share that person with anyone. I am sick of sharing… right now I have to share my “person” with a minimum of a husband and 3 kids. She always makes time for me which is much appreciated but at the end of the day she is in her bed cuddling with her kids and husband and here I am alone. With my cat. So pathetic. I haven’t been in a relationship in 2 years, I don’t even remember the last date I went on and lets not even talk about how long it’s been since I’ve gotten laid. The only hug I have had recently was from my mom. This is not what the social life of a 27 year old female should be. At. All.

I have even tried looking online for dating options… all with poor, poor luck. The bulk of guys I have met were nice, don’t get me wrong… but all of them were a complete turn-off simply because they were so desperate to be in a relationship with SOMEONE that they were willing to settle for anyone. It wasn’t about ME. It wasn’t about how much they liked me, how great they thought I was, how much we clicked. I was just there, available to plug the hole for a little while. As desperately lonely as I am, I am just not willing to settle for a relationship that is based solely on loneliness and not on the idea of two people being right for each other and enjoying each others company. I guess I am really picky when it comes to men. Maybe I shouldn’t be considering I don’t get a lot of opportunities. I probably have a ridiculously skewed idea of what a relationship should be and what kind of man I want.  In light of that, I just gave up specifically “looking” for a relationship because that never works out. I’ve been trying to focus on me and what makes me happy. This doesn’t fix the whole loneliness thing. There is only so much I can do on my own. I love spending time by myself, but this is getting ridiculous. I was hoping that keeping an open mind about friendship would help but even that doesn’t seem to be working.

I feel like no matter what I do I am still left at square one. That nothing I accomplish changes how I feel, nothing matters. I will always be missing something… but that something is just out of reach.

Nothing seems to go my way. When I feel like things are maybe starting to go my way, things come crashing down on me worse than usual.

I manage to attract negativity to me all the time. Negative people flock to me, people who have ridiculous issues that they seem to need me to resolve somehow. People who use me, treat me like a doormat and don’t care about my feelings. They suck out my energy and make me forget what I need to do. I tell myself constantly that I will no longer accept people like this into my life, yet it keeps happening. I am so desperate for company that I accept people into my life that aren’t worthy of my time and energy.

I feel like I learn from my mistakes… and then I realize I keep making the same ones over and over.

I feel like I grow, and change and progress… and then I realize I have fallen back to the same patterns as before and I am once again right where I left off.

I feel like I am in a giant rut that I can’t get out of. And it keeps getting deeper and deeper the harder I try.

Everyone always comes to me and bitches and complains about shit. And usually it’s the same shit on a different day. No one can ever learn from their mistakes, or figure things out for themselves, or think introspectively and grow from their experiences. People come to me for help and then when I need a shoulder to lean on they don’t really care. (With a few exceptions) I always end up caring too much, getting too involved, feeling pressured or guilty when I shouldn’t and in the end I get the shit end of the deal. Somehow it’s my fault. Somehow I pay for other people’s mistakes. I’m tired of being that person. Rarely does anyone ever listen to me. Or care what I have to say. It’s gotten to the point that I bitch so much to the people that actually do care, I feel like I am being self centered.

I’m so tired of people telling me I’m such a good friend. I’m so awesome. We need to hang out more. Blah blah fucking blah. I’m so tired of guys doing this especially. You are such a great girl. You’re so much fun. You are like, the ultimate woman. I’m just going to stick my dick in you and act like I care for 2 seconds. I don’t really want to treat you like you deserve. Even though you are so fucking awesome and I’ve never ever met a girl like you EVER. I’m just going to suck all the life out of you and treat you like dirt because I need someone for that, and when I’m done with you I’m going to completely ignore you for say, 4 months until I need you again. THIS IS HOW ALL GUYS TREAT ME. None of them want me around just to have me around because they enjoy my company. There’s always an ulterior motive.  Either use me until you can get to my friend, or use me until you find someone better.

I’m tired of giving and giving and giving and never getting anything back and never seeing anything come of all the shit that I have to deal with from people just because I’m nice and I care. I wish I could just stop caring.  I wish people would stop trying to dump all their shit on me just because I’m “such a good listener”. I don’t want to hear your sob story about how you got herpes. I don’t want to hear about how miserable your life is. I don’t want to be your best friend, or act like it just because you see me at the bar all the time. When did it become normal for people to cling to each other and act like they are so close when they barely know each other? I don’t understand this whole “fake” thing. I cannot stomach people smothering me constantly when I don’t know them and don’t trust them. I hate it when people feel the need to hug me all the time when I don’t know them. Is this normal? Is there something wrong with me?

I’m so lonely, yet I have such a hard time connecting with people. Usually when I do, I end up getting hurt really fast. I don’t understand why. I purposely try to avoid shallow peopl so I don’t get hurt.

I’m starting to feel like I can’t win. Maybe I was just meant to suffer and be lonely. I guess someone has to do it?

I have seen so many people fail miserably at their relationships (myself included) just because there was a lack of communication. I have also experienced failure simply because there was no friendship, no foundation upon which to build a relationship. If you can’t be friends with someone, how the hell do you expect to be in a committed relationship with them? How do you know this is someone you want to be with when you don’t even know basic things about them? People (myself included) have ended relationships when they have discovered something about their partner’s personality, lifestyle, etc. that was a deal breaker for them. Then, they act surprised at this. “Oh my God, I can’t believe Phil likes to look at animal porn. I can’t believe I would ever date such a monster!” Come on… if you were actually friends first, you would have seen that at some point (A very dramatic example, but you know what I am saying). I have a lot of guy friends. I will admit that about 99.9% of the time, I had a crush on these guys at first. I am glad about this for two reasons. First of all, guy friends are valuable for many purposes  – they can give you much insight into the male species of course, offer advice, and help you realize things about yourself that you never realized were attractive or unattractive to men. I think if you can be the kind of girl who is friends with a lot of guys you are more likely to be a great girlfriend – if you pay attention to what you hear. Second of all, in getting to know my guy friends that I used to have a crush on I was able to see things that I hadn’t before. I’m glad I’m not dating some of them! I can see how much of a train wreck it would be and I just don’t want to go there.  I think this can be said for the reverse situation (guys with many girl friends) too.

Friendships are difficult enough without sex and love. Right now, I am finding myself in a very difficult place with a lot of my close friends. A lot of it is just growing up and getting older and having different goals and paths. Some of it though is just in getting to know myself better and getting to know them better. Some people just don’t see eye to eye, some people just don’t get along and some people no matter how hard you try cannot be on the same team. You know how some people are born to lead and some are born to follow. You can’t have two followers on a two person team! So in that “getting to know a person” adventure, your relationship changes. People mature at different paces. I can constructively criticize one friend, for example, and she will be OK with it and appreciate my input. We have “adult” conversations on a regular basis, out of which I always get something. We still have fun though, but at the same time I don’t feel stagnant when we spend time together because I always get something out of it, I feel satisfied and I don’t feel stressed out when I talk to her even if we are venting about problems! I have some other friends that are incredibly immature, can’t take criticism, and keep making the same mistakes over and over again essentially INVITING drama into their lives – these people stress me out after awhile. It isn’t because I don’t love them, it is just because we aren’t on the same page seeing things eye to eye. In time, maybe things will get better. If not, you move on. Everyone goes through rough patches now and again and everyone has room to grow.

That said, you cannot CANNOT CANNOT expect someone to change for you. Another major mistake I see people making all the time is going into a relationship with the idea that the person will change. It just leads to frustration, fights, hurt feelings, terrible drama! Ladies, I know it is in our nature to nurture, protect, fix things, baby others, etc… do not let this blind you. It is so easy to settle for a man who has potential but isn’t quite there yet. We think we can fix them and make them want to be a better man. Thing is, we can’t fix them mostly because the majority of them probably don’t see themselves as broken. Men have to want to be better men for them. They aren’t going to change for you. Maybe this happens on rare occasions, but I know I am damn sure as hell not going to change for any man. Take me as I am. What you see is what you get. We need to keep reminding ourselves of this when making a decision to date someone. We need to look for people who are what we need them to be already instead of people who have the potential…maybe…possibly… This goes along with the whole team work/compromise thing. No one is perfect. No one gets their way all the time. Cooperation is key. Everything in the universe is like one big machine working together and so are we as humans so when we can translate all of that into a relationship, things will run smoothly! And much like machines, relationships need care and attention. You can’t expect to just sit back and ignore a relationship and have it continue along, running just fine. You have to keep it greased up, keep it moving, pay attention to it, and talk nice to it once in awhile when no one is paying attention :]

Another issue I have experienced… communication. You cannot expect someone to do something or stop doing something UNLESS YOU TELL THEM. You have to tell people what you need and want, like and don’t like. Especially when it comes to men! Sorry boys, but you really aren’t the best at taking subtle hints. No one is perfect. If you are miserable in your current situation because your partner isn’t showing you enough affection then you need to SAY SOMETHING. If your partner’s pet nickname for you is Fatticus Pumpkin Pie and this offends you because you are sensitive about your weight you need to SAY SOMETHING. Chances are #1 if you speak up, they will feel more comfortable speaking up about what is bothering them and #2 they might be having the same exact issue but were afraid to speak up about it! Holding in your feelings and bottling them up is only disaster waiting to happen. Eventually the cork is going to come undone and all of the negativity you have been saving to “spare someone’s feelings” or “prevent an awkward moment” are going to SPEW out and probably not in the most sensitive, tactful way. So really, you are just prolonging the hurt feelings and awkward moment and making them ten times worse. Just say what is on your mind. I have found that people respect you way more when you are completely candid and blunt about your feelings. If they can’t respect you for that, obviously they aren’t comfortable with their own feelings or just an asshole and you shouldn’t be with them anyway :]

This has become incredibly long and I just meant for it to be about me. Oh well. Anyway, back to me! I have been doing a lot of thinking since my last failed attempt at a relationship. It failed because of many of the things I mentioned above. We didn’t know each other and we rushed into things, there were a lot of expectations I think, most of which were unspoken. I wasn’t comfortable with this “thing” at all because I wasn’t comfortable with the guy. I didn’t really understand why it felt so weird, but I kept telling myself it felt weird because I wasn’t used to guys like him. I didn’t have any sort of emotional attachment or lustful urge towards the guy and I felt like he didn’t even care about ME he just cared about the IDEA of me – meaning I was the thing on his arm making him not a divorced, lonely guy. I tried to get to know him but it all felt so superficial and forced. I felt like maybe things would take off a little if I had sex with him – this made things worse! It opened my eyes to how awkward and forced it all was and how this was not at all what I wanted and I felt terrible that it had to be like that! Very rarely do I NOT enjoy sex to that degree and man I really did NOT enjoy it at all. So I knew it just wasn’t right and I wasn’t upset that I had to break it off so that was just more confirmation that he wasn’t the right guy for me.

I am at a point where I am incredibly frustrated with my lack of success in relationships. I have been thinking quite a bit about why this is and I have come to some really amazing realizations. I tend to have some patterns that I can’t seem to break. First is that my relationships are usually all or nothing and tend to go one of two ways – 1. The other person isn’t invested in the relationship and/or doesn’t really care about me like I care about them. I give way too much and take too little from a relationship, settle for much less than I deserve and end up getting myself hurt and treated like shit which is not satisfying. 2. The other person is way more invested in the relationship than I am, wants to move things along much faster than I do, is incredibly clingy and attached and overbearing to the point where I feel smothered. I run away from that and become annoyed and disgusted and want nothing to do with the person who ends up becoming extremely upset and getting emotional, giving me a huge guilt trip or going completely psycho on me! Why is this I wonder? The problem I am having is finding that happy medium. I don’t want a man who is clingy and emotional and disgusting but at the same time I don’t want someone who doesn’t care about me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Am I asking for too much here or just looking in the wrong place for guys? How is it that these relationships seem to be on completely different sides of the fence? I think this has a lot to do with the whole “rushing into things” idea – either I am rushing or they are and neither is healthy. Just more proof that I am right on with the whole “being friends first” thing.

The second pattern I see myself constantly falling into is having expectations that are way too high. My parents and family have always expected a lot of me and I have always expected a lot of myself. I sometimes think that I expect way too much at times. I tend to bring these expectations on everyone else, usually in an unrealistic and unfair manner. When I expect so much out of someone, I am almost always guaranteed to be let down in the end. I set myself up for failure and I set the relationship up for failure. I blame others for not being what I want them to be when it isn’t even their fault – it’s mine! This isn’t fair for them or for me. I need to focus on the relationship in the present situation and enjoy the moment instead of worrying so much about the future possibilities. I also need to set clear expectations in the beginning and communicate my needs better so I don’t get upset when things aren’t going how I want. I can’t expect someone to be on the same page as me if they don’t even know what page I am on!

It is difficult to pinpoint exactly why things are the way they are. I did realize, however, that I am very balls to the wall with my emotions. I feel things very intensely and I often feel them very quickly and these feelings are subject to change under various circumstances at any given time.  I will typically have a strong like or a strong dislike towards something/someone that doesn’t change easily. For example, if I dislike someone when I meet them for the first time it is usually a long and difficult process to get me to like them if I do. Because they are so intense, I think that it is difficult for me to control my emotions and get a handle on them. Most of the foolish, stupid mistakes I make are due to me making a decision based on impulses and thinking emotionally instead of rationally. My intuition does serve me well – I am able to sense when something isn’t right and it usually isn’t right. Although I am very intuitive and able to completely trust my gut feelings, they are often masked by emotions. When I finally see through the emotions, I feel very silly and it becomes quite obvious what really was going on. By then it is usually too late to fix the problem.

Another obstacle that this creates is trying to share my feelings with others. I feel so intensely about things, but it is very rare that someone else can understand that. This becomes frustrating for me. I feel alone and alienated at times and me feeling like that actually causes me to push people away in my frustration. I need to understand that just because someone isn’t *as* excited as me doesn’t mean they aren’t excited. That just because someone isn’t *as* happy/sad/in love/amazed/curious/etc. as me doesn’t mean that they aren’t at all. They might just be a duller shade of that emotion. I feel sometimes like I experience emotions in HD and most others experience emotions in something slightly above black and white. This is both an AWESOME thing and a SHITTY thing. I think this issue becomes even worse when it comes to men, because from my experience most men tend to be pretty much black and white with their emotions. Either they like something or they don’t. Either they are o.k. or pissed off. Very rarely do you ever see a man jump up and down in excitement and clap his hands while shouting “YAYYYY!!!!!!!” I do this several times daily. I need to learn not to be offended, but just to understand that people see things through different lenses.

Realizing these two patterns is so powerful and empowering. I think that is the hardest part. Fixing the problem, although it might take time, is way easier. Although it may be frustrating to use trial and error and fuck things up a bit before getting it to work again, at least I know exactly what is wrong.

So in all of that, I have made the decision to just stop looking. Have you ever looked desperately for a lost item, searching hours and hours through your house to find something in the most ridiculous places – and messing everything up in the process – you don’t find it! The next day when you aren’t even thinking about it, it turns up right in front of your face? Yeah, I think that’s how this works. I think I lost my focus on the now, on enjoying the moment when I was looking desperately for a relationship. I searched high and low and did everything I could to do and say the right things and look in the right places for the right men and set my standards higher and lower and in between. I did all of these ridiculous things! But I finally realized that it isn’t a matter of looking, it’s just a matter of letting things be.  Love is a natural thing. It grows without being forced to grow. Sure you still have to take care of it to a point. Tomatoes will still grow even if you don’t use all sorts of fancy fertilizer. Leaves will still fall off the trees. Bunnies and mice (and welfare mothers) will continue to reproduce at alarming rates… you just have to give it time and let it be and everything will work out. When it is fake and forced and rushed it isn’t as nice. I would rather fall in love slowly and have things be just right than get in over my head thinking with my irrational emotions and end up married to someone I can’t stand and stuck in a shitty situation. The right person will come to me eventually as long as I keep making friends and keep an open mind. Yes, it is frustrating to think about how many guys I know, how many of those guys I don’t even want to be friends with and how many of my friends I would never, ever date in a million years. But you never know when someone amazing is going to pop into your life out of nowhere and change it forever. Kind of like the lost shirt you looked for – you knew it was there, you dumped out your dresser drawers, you moved your bed, you looked in the fridge and you couldn’t find the damn thing and then the next day you realized it was right in front of your face.

Yeah, I’m the hopeless romantic that is starting to realize that love tends to be just like that. So I am going to smile about that for awhile.

I’m completely lost now. My plan is now completely destroyed. I now have to wait until next fall AT LEAST to be in nursing school. I’m so tired of waiting :[. I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and be a midwife and start delivering babies.

I hate this fucking town. I hate living with my mom. I hate feeling like im stuck. I don’t belong here. I want to move on with my life but I feel like I am being held back. Why? I know that everything happens for a reason, but I want to know the reason. I felt so right about this and I was so sure it was going to happen and things were going to fall into place. Apparently, that isn’t the case anymore.

All of the positive energy and certainty I have been feeling lately has been taken from me in a matter of seconds.

Now I don’t know what to do.

It’s times like these when I wish I had my soulmate to hold me and comfort me and tell me everything will be OK. But wait, that part of my life hasn’t happened yet. It was scheduled to occur shortly after I got accepted into nursing school. Crap.

Stagnant: check.

Alone: check.

Miserable: check.

:[

I have no idea what I am doing next semester. I don’t know if I am going to get accepted into both programs I applied to, one, or neither. I don’t know where I will be in the fall and there’s a possibility that I might not know until September. That is very scary for me. I could either be on my way to being an R.N. or still waiting and wasting time. And I am impatient! Waiting for life to happen… I think it’s worth the wait.

As much as I would go for either program, I would rather get into FLCC because the hours are WAY more flexible. I can work my schedule around when I want to work and decide what days I want to go. The FLSHN program is only nights and weekends, which will suck. The first semester is 17 credit hours alone and on top of that I still have to take my prereqs which will add at least another 4 credit hours to my load. This doesn’t even include time for homework and studying! If I go to FLSHN I have to take my prereqs through Keuka (or FLCC I think) which would mean that I have to go somewhere else for labs if not class too. On the other hand, from what I hear FLSHN is more intensive, challenging and hard which means I will have way more of a challenge there. FLCC is definitely not challenging at all and I feel like their expectations are very low.  I was also told that FLCC is more acredited, or well known. So I’m not sure what that means… I feel like it was implied that if I go to FLSHN my degree will not mean as much.

Either way, I will probably keep going on for my BSN. There is an intensive 14 (I think) month program at Keuka for RN’s to get their BSN and there is also an online program. So I will probably go on to do that while I work.

I’m hoping to get a job straight out of school, and ideally start the travelling nurse thing right away. I have to look into that more because I’m not sure how much experience I need to qualify for that, but either way if I get my BSN in the process of gaining experience I will get paid more to travel and those gigs pay some serious money! I’m hoping in the process of travelling I will find where I want to settle down, or at least get rid of this wanderlust mindset that I have. As for now, I really can’t wait to get out of here. I’m so tired of the Fingerlakes as much as I love it.

Then, when all of that is said and done I want to get started on being a Midwife. But that could change. Who knows, maybe I will find something else I like even more? Or maybe I will get a job at a birth center right away where I can work towards being a CPM or CNM. One thing is for sure though, if I do the Midwife thing I will most likely have to relocate somewhere else. If I stay in NY maybe Ithaca? Who knows. I’ve talked with friends about different possibilities. One friend wants to buy a VW Pop-up Camper and travel the U.S. being nurses, another wants to open up a birth center or a “birth house”. How amazing is it that the possibilities are endless?!

It’s scary for me to not know exactly what I am doing, but exciting at the same time. Life is such an adventure! I can’t even begin to imagine the kind of person I will be a nd where I will be at in 5 years. I can’t even imagine what I will be like in one. I have changed so much in the past couple of years, when I read my old blogs and remember how things used to be I hardly remember myself. What a great thing! I used to get upset when I would think about the past and the times I used to have, and wish I could go back to that. Now… no way! Waiting for life to happen and living in the moment is so much more fulfilling!

But I do have to bitch just a little bit about my coworkers who are making me crazy.

For some reason, and maybe it’s just this way in the food business, I am surrounded by sexist assholes. Last I knew, women weren’t incapable of very much, if anything. I mean, we are pretty much the stronger sex. And who can grow a baby and push it out a tiny hole? Yeah, that’s what I thought!

Anyway, it makes no sense these days for men to act like women are incapable and weak. But these guys do. They insist on explaining everything to me as if I was a child or a mentally challenged person. They insist on explaining things several times over to make sure I “get it”. They even explain things to me that anyone with an ounce of common sense wouldn’t need explained. They constantly tell me that I should “do it this way” when I have been doing things my way all along and it’s just fine thank you. I also get stuck with a lot of the “girl work” that they don’t want to do like dishes, cleaning etc. I will be the first one to walk up to a sink full of dishes and go to town but it seems like they all wait for me to do it. They all act shocked and awed when I do something well without making a mistake and they talk down to me. They talk crap about me behind my back or under their breath that I can’t fully hear but I know it’s about me.

Lately, this one kid has been literally down my throat about all of it. Today he even went so far as to (it seemed) go out of his way to FIND something to criticize me about just so it seemed like he is better than me. I put a spatula in the sink that had some blue cheese on it. *gasp* oh no, not that. P.S., it was in a sink full of dirty, greasy fryer baskets so its not like it was CLEAN water. He yelled across the kitchen as I was leaving (so everyone could here) HEY did YOU do this? Can you make sure you rinse it off before you put it in the sink next time?

Really dude? Seriously? You are so insecure about the fact that a FEMALE can do a better job than you that you have to FIND things like that to make yourself look better? How about stepping up your game a little buddy?

And I’m sure he talked all kinds of shit about me for the rest of the night.

What can I say, I’m good at my job. So shoot me. Maybe instead of being immature and jealous you should do a better job. Maybe then the owner and the managers would sing praises your way every night after your shift is over and give you all the good deliveries? Maybe instead of delivering pizza for the rest of your mundane, meaningless, trashy existence you could one day OWN a pizza shop. I bet if I wanted to, I could move up the ladder there in a year or so. I would stomp all over your manly little ego.

Besides, who are YOU to act like you are better than me? What are you doing with your life? You work in a pizza shop dude. That is your existence. That is all you will ever amount to.  You are a lifer. I CHOOSE to be here to get me through college while I pursue a career in nursing and already have a B.A. in Psychology which you probably couldn’t even spell correctly, so fuck off and kiss my ass.

I guess I just don’t understand jealousy sometimes. What purpose does it serve to be jealous and hateful when someone has something you don’t have? Why not just evaluate yourself instead and figure out what it is that needs to happen to get YOU to that level, then go for it?  Be an achiever and make something out of yourself instead of being bitter towards those who have what you don’t have.  Whining gets you nowhere, except a free admission to the pity party. Ambition gets you everywhere.

I feel like very few of the people around here have any ambition at all. They are all just comfortable with what they know and what they are. They’d rather complain about what is lacking rather than take the steps needed to fix the problem and they become jealous and hateful to the people who actually strive to be something in life. It’s a lot easier to be like that, but it’s a lot less rewarding. Fear of failure isn’t something that is easy to overcome but it’s a normal human experience. A lot of people don’t know that and it frustrates the hell out of me. Stop complaining about what you don’t have and go get it! Life is a stick, not a boomerang… you have to get out there and fetch it, you can’t wait for it to come to you!

And I don’t mean just “telling the truth” I mean like being BLUNT and putting it out there.

I have more tolerance for the stupid, hurtful, silly things that people do that way. It’s human to act like that – we all do it. But when you try to make yourself look perfect like you don’t make mistakes or do things you know are hurtful… come on. Own up to being human.

2. Where are all the men that know who they are and what they want? You know what, make that people in general. I realize it’s quite difficult to figure those things out sometimes, but it seems like most of the people (at least the ones I meet) have no fucking clue and aren’t even trying to get there. How can you not want to figure that stuff out? Maybe it’s just in this area. I should move back to Buffalo or far, far away and maybe then I will meet some people who fill my requirements. But probably not.

3. There is this “void”… this missing piece of me. I don’t know where it came from, what it is or how to fill it. I’ve tried to but I still feel empty somehow. What is missing in my life? I feel like I have everything covered. Am I not seeing something important? This void is physically painful, if I think about it. It literally feels like I was married for 60 years to my soul mate and they suddenly died. Perhaps it is time for me to take a trip to Lilydale and go talk to a medium.

4. Why is it that this time of year, every year… it almost never fails… why is it that people (specifically guys) who are no longer a part of my life try to jump back on the Liz train? I don’t understand… is it spring fever? Were they all busy and suddenly April just freed up and it seemed like a great time to try and get ahold of me? Weird. What makes people want to reconnect after something that [obviously] failed miserably? What makes someone think, “Man, I was wasted the entire time I dated that girl and I treated her like shit. I should give her a call.” ? Maybe this is a symptom of the “I don’t know who I am or what I want” disease that people around me seem to be having. (not EVERYONE thankfully.)

What have you been thinking about?

I know it’s not really my place to talk about this kind of stuff because I’m not a parent. Yet.

But I know how I was raised and I know how my friends are raising their kids. So I guess I have some sort of grasp of what should and should not happen, right?

I was in Wegmans earlier and there was this little boy no more than 10 years old yelling and carrying on, being a kid so I happened to look over to see what he was doing. Sort of instinctive to look when someone is making a lot of noise, right?

This little kid abruptly stopped screaming and said, “What the hell do you think you are looking at?!”

Wait…what? Your ten year old kid is talking to a STRANGER like that?

Aside from the possibility that this kid has some sort of behavioral/mental problem which requires treatment, this is completely unacceptable behavior am I wrong?

It really bothers me that people aren’t teaching their kids basic things like respecting others, manners, social skills etc. People aren’t being PARENTS. I see this happening more and more everyday and it’s not just manners. People don’t seem to understand that when they make the decision to have a child it is their responsibility to RAISE that child and teach it how to behave. Children aren’t programmed to know how to act so if you aren’t showing them, they aren’t going to act appropriately. Part of being a parent is *gasp* parenting! So fucking act like a parent and teach your kid to be a decent human being. At the same time, don’t expect your kid not to be a dick if you’s a dick!

I would never have pulled the shit that 10 year old kid pulled in Wegman’s today when I was 10! I was taught better than that. I would have gotten the shit kicked out of me and my mother would have never taken me anywhere ever again. Most of the people I know would tell you pretty much the same thing. As far as my friends with kids… even on their worst day, their kids would NEVER act that way (and if they did, they wouldn’t get away with it)!

If your 10 year old is swearing and disrespecting random strangers at the grocery store and he DOESN’T have some sort of behavioral/mental issue that may cause him to do so that you can’t help then WHAT THE FUCK are you doing?

No wonder there are so many screwed up teenagers around doing stupid shit. No wonder our society is going to hell… because people don’t know how to be parents and how to teach their kids to be decent human beings. Partially because they weren’t taught that stuff themselves.

This is a very bad outlook for our society and our species as a whole. It makes me worried.

/end rant.